Old and New Jokes

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldnt seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, its obvious, says the lifeguard, youre wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. Theyre years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – about two sizes too small – and drop a fist-sized potato down inside em. Im tellin ya man… youll have all the babes ya want!The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, Whats wrong now? Damn, Mate! said the lifeguard, The potato goes in front!!

The other day I ran into a friend of mine. He had a black eye. So I asked him, How did you get that shiner?You wont believe it, he answered, but I got it in church!Your kidding!, I replied. How did you manage that?He said, Well, heres what happened. When the preacher finished his sermon he told us all to get out our hymn books, turn to page 41 and stand up to sing.Yes, yes I responded. Then what?Well he continued with a pained look on his face, when the lady that was sitting in front of me stood up, I noticed that her dress got stuck in the crack of her ass. And, well, I knew she didnt want it that way so I reached over and pulled it out.And she hit you?!! I asked.Knocked me out cold. he finished, shaking his head.Well we chuckled about it, talked for a few more minutes and went our seperate ways. The following week I ran into my friend again. This time he had two black eyes. How did you get another black eye? I asked.He just looked straight ahead and said, I got it in church.No way! How? I asked.He replied, Well you know that lady I told you about who was sitting in front of me last week? I nodded.Well there she was again. And this time when we all stood up to sing I noticed that her dress didnt get caught in the crack of her ass. But I knew she didnt want it that way, so I put it back.

One day a woman who was about 65 years old wanted to get a tatoo. She went to the nearest tatoo parlor and told the man the she wanted one tatoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and one of Evander Holyfield on the other. The man said to the woman that he wasnt sure if he could do that, but he would try. So the woman said ok and went to the back with the man. It was a long process. When it was finally finished the woman lifted up her skirt and asked the man, Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?

Not really, said the man, But it looks ok.

The woman was very pleased and walked out of the tatoo parlor. When she walked out she asked a younger man if the tatoos on her thighs loked like Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield. The man replied with a yeah sort of. Next the woman saw and older man. She went up to him and lifted up her skirt and asked him, Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?

The man said, No, but the one in the middle looks like Don King.

From Wisconsin Public Radio comes a weekly program called Whatdya Know
with Michael Feldman. [Its a great show – sort of like PHC with humor :-)]
Each weeks program starts with a summary of the news. A recent one
included:

XYZ Tobacco has just introduced a smokeless
cigarette. Just the thing to have after safe sex.

Whats grosser than gross?Dreaming about eating chocolate pudding, and waking up with a spoon in your butt.

Men — are you sure you can trust something that bleeds for seven days and

still lives?

A few years ago, the U of Utah newspaper starting printing BYU co-ed
jokes. They have gotten quite complex lately, but most cover the
ideas that BYU co-eds are large, ugly, starved for dates, and looking
for husbands [it is said that most BYU girls go there to get their
MRS degree 🙂 ]. Examples:

A BYUG was walking beside the road and nobody would stop for her. She
decided she would have better luck if she took her clothes off. This
turned out to be a bad idea; several minutes later a motorcycle gang
passed on the highway. They dragged her off into a canyon at the side
of the road and gang-dressed her.

Did you hear about the man who swerved to miss a BYUG in the street
last week and didnt make it? He ran out of gas.

Did you hear about the new BYUG doll? You put a ring on her finger
and her hips expand.

obie!wes

What do you do if a bird shits on your car? You never take her out again

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

Actually, no, he replies.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

Im afraid I cant, breathes the barman, clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?

‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. Tell him, she says, that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet.