A man was sitting with a few beers watching T.V.
When his wife came home she opened the door to the house and said to her husband Honey could please fix this door, its gonna fall off. He replied Do I look like I have Mitre10 on my head
She said nothing. Later she asked him to fix the ladder so she could change the light bulb and he said Do I look like I have HandyMan on my head?.
Then she asked if he could wash the car and he said to her Do I look like I have Shell Service station on my head?
He became so mad he said Im sick of you, get out of my way – Im going to the pub.
When he came home late that night he noticed the door, light and car had all been fixed.
How did you do that? he asked his wife.
She told him that when she had been sitting on the doorstep crying when he left and a nice man asked if he could help her. She told him what had happened and he said that all she had to do for payment was bake him a cake or have sex with him.
Her husband asked What kind of cake did you make
To which she replied Do I look like I have BettyCrocker on my head?
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, Dang, why are you drinking so fast?
The guy says, You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.
The bartender says, What do you have?
The guy says, 75 cents.
your momma is so fat, she has more chins than the hong kong phone book.
your momma is so big, when she went to the airport and told them she wanted to fly, they stamped goodyear on her ass and put her on a runway.
your momma is so fat, she uses a vcr as a beeper.
your momma is so fat, she influences the tide.
Your mother is so stupid, on her application under education she put HOOKED ON PHONICS
your momma is so stupid, she failed a blood test.
your momma is so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
your momma is so old, she proof read the ten commandments.
your momma is so stupid, on here application under sex, she put twice a week.
your momma is so dumb, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 miniutes.
your mommas so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on the soul train.
your momma is so dumb, she got fired from the M & Ms factory for throwing away all the Ws.
Write on the bottom of shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote Help on the bottom of the grooms left shoe and Me on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.
Besides Help Me, other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (Im With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, Im Doomed!)
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
You know you live in a small town when before you have sex with
the local prostitue, you have to meet her parents.
Does it have to be a light bulb?
So wives and significant others get a break! Barbecues are not allowed! Rolaids are!
SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
Kitchen closed – this chick has had it!
Martha Stewart doesnt live here!
Im creative; you cant expect me to be neat too!
So this isnt Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service … If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day … Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please dont date it!
I would cook dinner but I cant find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
COOK CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you dont like my standards of cooking … lower your standards.
You may touch the dust in this house … but please dont write in it!
Apology … Although youll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesnt always look like this: Some days its even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then Im easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.
Gardening forever … Housework, never!
Dull women have immaculate houses.
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbis family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbis pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. Having children is an act of God!
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said… Point of information – snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much we wear rubbers!
Bhola, Herolal, and Popatlal were shipwrecked on a deserted island.
One day they came upon an old lamp buried in the sand. As they brushed the sand from the lamp a Genie appeared and said Ill give each of you one wish.
Herolal said I wish I was home! PUFF and he was gone!
Popatlal said I wish I was home! PUFF and he too was gone.
Bhola said Boy is it lonely here! I wish my friends were back!