The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
What is it, child?
Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin… its simply a mistake.
Once again, our female staff will be offering courses to men of any marital status. Classes will be limited to 10, as course material may prove to be difficult. To register please contact your nearest grade school.
Thank You
Combating Stupidity
You Too Can Do Housework
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas – Give us Money
Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming In At 4 AM
Parenting – No It Doesnt End With Conception
Get A Life – Learn How To Cook
How Not To Act Like An Asshole When Youre Obviously Wrong
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
You – The Weaker Sex
Reasons To Give Flowers
How To Stay Awake After Sex
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
Garbage – Getting It To The Curb
Sex 101 – You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
Sex 102 – The Morning Dilemma – If Its Awake Take A Shower
Sports And The Weekend Are Not Synonymous
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
How To Go Shopping With Your Wife And Not Get Lost
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependence
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
Honestly – You Dont Look Like Mel Gibson – Especially When Naked
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
The Attainable Goal – Omitting *#@&#!^ From Your Vocabulary
Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
Real Men Ask For Directions
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th by z and w by v
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
What men know about women.
Youve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says bridge out and you try to jump it.
What do you call a gay Jewish person? A He-Blew!
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing
breathlessly into a lengthy speech.Mom, this is Susan and Im sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because Im going to be a little late getting home. See, Dads car has a flat but its not my fault. Honest! I dont
know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please dont be mad, okay?Since I dont have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.Im sorry dear, I replied, but youve reached the wrong number. I dont have a daughter named Susan.Gosh, Mom, the young womans voice replied, I didnt think youd be *this* mad!
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?
Isnt Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?
A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.
The bartender looks at him like hes nuts and says, I sorry but I dont serve Gorillas in this bar.
The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.
They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.
A student comes to a young professors office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
I would do anything to pass this exam. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. I mean… she whispers, …I would do…anything.
He returns her gaze. Anything?
Anything.
His voice softens. Anything??
Absolutely anything.
His voice turns to a whisper. Would you…study?