Old and New Jokes

EDAM cheese (made backwards is edam)

Kittens, better than babies? Hah! Here now are the top ELEVEN reasons why
babies are better than kittens (and, as any five-year-old will tell you, more
reasons makes my list better. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!)

11) Babies are rarely known to shed on furniture.

10) No ones allergic to a baby.

9) Having a kitten in the car doesnt let you drive in the carpool lane.

8) An exercise program you can really stick with… that you HAVE to stick
with, whether you like it or not…

7) With a kitten, you dont get to watch otherwise normal adults making
silly faces, jumping up and down, talking nonsense in a high pitched voice,
and generally making fools of themselves. Hours of fun!

6) For an initial investment of a camera and few pieces of film, you can
convince babys grandparents to buy the kid all the cute but expensive
clothes, toys, furniture, and major appliances s/he will ever need–a good
photographer can buy nothing but diapers for a year. Cats never buy their
grandkittens anything.

5) Babies dont have fleas. Babies dont give YOU fleas.

4) Free pregnancy/labor horror story with each baby. Commensurate with other
mothers! Scare newly-pregnant friends! Get your husband to do twice the
housework for months!

3) Two words: Tax deduction

2) Childbirth–the greatest crash diet ever! Lose 20 pounds in one day–
and keep it off, too!

And the number one reason babies are better than kittens:

1) Kittens never grow up to look at you and say I love you, Daddy.

[original to me]

-Ian Barkley-Yeung
Proud Parent of Stephen Skyler Barkley-Yeung–cutest baby in history!

A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked, What can
I do for you?

The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, Just what exactly are you trying to find out?

The old man said, Were not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we cant go to her house. I am married and we cant go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. if we do it here
for $32.00, I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctors
office.

Research shows that the greatest fear held by 93.75% of all men is not death, but castration; Remove that fear at an early age! go fearless into manhood!
Everyone knows that pre-pubic boys have the most beautiful singing voice (*); preserve that beautiful voice forever. Share the wisdom of the Vatican, who kept choirs of castrati for centuries before modern prejudices forbad them.
Have a castrectomy now and save the bother of a vasectomy (and possibly a reverse-vasectomy) later; the sooner and younger it is done, the least cost and embarassment; no need for condoms or the male pill; no danger of venereal diseases and reduced danger of aids.
Eliminate the temptations of extra-marital affairs and flings which can bring nothing but unhappiness in the long run.
You will never, ever, be accused of rape; what cant speak, cant lie.
Have no fears about being called a lousy lover by your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend.
Play vigorous sports such as soccer without fear; you can face a penalty kick WITHOUT putting your hands in front of your crotch. Throw that jockstrap away. Sit on horse, motorcycle, or bicycle saddles for hours without discomfort.
Wear the latest tight casual and sportswear without embarassing your friends.
Small but measurable weight-loss guaranteed.
When your boss accuses you of ballsing everything up, smile sweetly and say hardly sir.

If you missed out in childhood, its not too late; get it done now.

(This is not an advertisement but a testimonial: Dr Ike Cutem, 63 Pentonville Road, London, offers a package deal including a free circumcision with each castration.
What you never had, youll never miss – Dr Ike.)

(*) This is why English cathedral choirs have traditionally employed such boys, who are dressed in long frilly robes and made to perform long rituals with older men, also dressed in long frilly robes; This is not technically transvestism – more like transvestmentism.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sabina!
Sabina who?
Sabina a long time since Ive seen you!

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, Who threw that rock?

-IMPOTENTE: Bach por su Tocata y Fuga

-SEMIPOTENTE: Schubert por su Inacabada

-POTENTE: Beethoven por su 1ª, 2ª, 3ª, 4ª, 5ª, 6ª, 7ª, 8ª y 9ª Sinfonía

-MUY POTENTE: Stravinsky por El Pájaro de Fuego

-SUPERPOTENTE: Mozart por La Flauta Mágica

Your momma so stanky…when she passes by the toilet it flushes!!!

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words open me first, and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one and it says: Blame me, your predecessor for everything.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybodys happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, Blame the government for everything.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, Prepare 4 new envelopes

A man successfully broke into a banks basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then
realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he
could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he
was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed 911 for help