What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?

Decafinated

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued…

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy, he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

Oh, really? she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. In that case, wed better run it through again…

People are scared to touch your wifes bathrobe.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because thats where your supposed to wash vegetables.

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT…
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after youve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And itll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like So THIS is screwing! and howling like a cat thats being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a womans main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman – it will be my fault. Even if I wasnt there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as making love), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then Ill invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined me for other men.

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so youre in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed:_____________________________
Date:________________

your daddy so bold when he weres a turtle neck he looks like a broken condom

En Argentina, va un tipo conduciendo su auto por la Panamericana. En eso, ve a alguien parado al costado de la ruta, doblado de dolor.

¡Alfredo, pero si es Alfredo! ¿Qué le habrá pasado?

Detiene el vehículo y baja.

¡Alfredo, hermano! ¿Qué pasó?

Mirá, dice Alfredo, señalando algo y continuando con su terrible gesto de dolor.

Y ahí yace, hecha una pelota de fierros retorcidos, una impresionante Ferrari.

¡Pero, Alfredito, querido, si con el dinero que vos tenés, te podés comprar como 10 de esas! ¡Vamos, hermano!

No, mirá adentro, dice Alfredo, mientras sigue doblado sobre si mismo.

Y al mirar adentro de la Ferrari, una rubia impresionante, hecha pelota.

Bueno, Alfredo, pero vos podés conseguir 10 Ferraris y 100 rubias como ésa, ¡vamos, arriba el ánimo!

No, mirá adentro… mirá adentro de la boca de la rubia.

What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?



ROLLAIDS!

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham

You might be a redneck if…
You mow your lawn and find a car.