Old and New Jokes

We all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, where 🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some assicons?

Heres a few:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass thats been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Q: What do you get when 2 hearts fight?

A: A heart attack!

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, Where did you get that? The pig says, I won her in a raffle!

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?

The young man looks at him and says, Im a pilot!

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it! The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, What skills to you bring to the Air Force?

The young man says, I chop wood!

Son, the general replies, We dont need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?

I chop wood!

Young man, huffs the general, You are not listening to me, we dont need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!

Well, the young man says, You hired my brother!

Of course we did, says the general, hes a pilot!

The young man rolls his eyes and says, Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve? God asks her.

Lord, she says, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples, she says.

Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you, the good Lord tells her.

Whats a man, Lord? she inquires.

This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time.

But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

Whats that, Lord? she asks.

Youll have to let him believe that I made him first!

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?



A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog, are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words liver and cheese, in the same sentence can have me.

So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese.



The female Collie says, Thats not good enough.



The Bulldog says, I hate liver and cheese.



She says, Thats not creative.



Finally, the Taco Bell Chihuahua says, Liver alone — cheese mine.

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women back to the cave by the hair?

A: If they dragged them by the ankles, they would fill up with dirt!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and Im here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no, he says, Everyones fine. Ive just quit drinking.