Jack goes to the doctor and says Doc Im having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. Theres really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment?

Well, the doctor explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.

His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, That was incredible! Can you do that again?

Jack replied, Well, I guess so, but I dont think I can fit another roll in my ass.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet? She looked at him and indignantly replied: Well Duhhh!, Im still winning

Because the snowblower was on its way.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!

The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.

Give me a break! You dont stand a snowballs chance in hell of hitting her from here.

How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?

Well, first he bites the head off the old one…

Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.

If Teddy Roosevelt were alive today, he probably would have said, Walk softly and carry an Uzi. Sadly, well never know. –Lev L. Spiro

Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. –Richard Hooker

A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. –Frank Varano

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

Brookes Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

Flons Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Its easy to identify people who cant count to ten. Theyre in front of you in the supermarket express lane. –June Henderson

Preudhommes Law of Window Cleaning: Its on the other side.

Be careful of your thoughts: They may become words at any moment.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. –Mark Twain

If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate.

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. –Josh Billings

Love is sentimental measles.

Put your Nose to the Grindstone! –Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

New Years Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. –Websters Unafraid Dictionary

We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. –Grace Williams

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. –Rev. Larry Lorenzoni

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. –Winston Curchill, of Montgomery

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.

Heaven goes by favor, if it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in. –Mark Twain

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldnt have said.

We really dont have any enemies. Its just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. –Henny Youngman

Thanx to Keiths Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List.

By the time John pulled into the little town every hotel room was taken.

Youve got to have a room somewhere. he pleaded. Or just a bed – I dont care where.

Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.

No problem, the tired traveller assured him. Ill take it.

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Howd you sleep? asked the manager.

Never better.

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?

Nope. I shut him up in no time?

Howd you manage that?

He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room, John said. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

2 old ladies were outside smoking and one of the ladies put a condom on her cigarette before lighting it. The other lady looked and said What are you doing?
The first lady says Oh, I just put this here condom on this cigarette and it gives it more flavor not to mention it keeps it dry when it rains. Just go to any store and get them.
So the first lady goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if they have condoms.
Well, of course we do….but do you mind if I ask how old you are?
75 the lady responds.
Well good for you! Nice to see you are stil active. What kind of condoms do you need?
The lady thinks for a moment and says
Oh, anything that will fit a Camel.

SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.

It was Banta Singh.Is this one one one one?, says the voice.

No,
this is eleven eleven.

Are you sure it isnt one one one one?

No,
this is eleven
eleven.

Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the
night.

Thats all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.

Fat and docile, big and dumb,

They look so stupid, they arent much fun,

Cows arent fun.

They eat to grow, grow to die,

Die to be et, the hamburger fry,

Cows well done.

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew,

No one imagined the great cow guru

Cow Se Tongue.

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred;

He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd,

Cows doldrums.

He mooed We must fight, escape or well die,

Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high,

Bad cow pun.

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate,

Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate.

Cows are bummed.

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy,

No one suspected he was packing an Uzi –

Cows with guns.

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door,

Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor,

Run, cows, run!

He picked up a bullhorn, jumped up on the hay,

We are free roving bovines, we run free today!

We will fight for bovine freedom, and hold our large heads high,

And we will run free with the buffalo, or die!

Cows with guns.

They crashed the gate in a great stampede,

Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed,

Cows have fun.

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap,

Covered in cow pies, covered up deep,

Much cow dung.

Black smoke rising, darkening the day,

Twelve burning McDonalds,

Have it your way.

The President said Enough is enough!

These uppity cattle, its time to get tough.

Cow dung flung.

The newspapers gloated; folks sighed with relief.

Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef.

Cows on buns.

The cows were surrounded. They waited and prayed.

They mooed their last moos. They chewed their last hay.

Cows outgunned.

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers,

Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers –

But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers,

Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers.