Old and New Jokes

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hes got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "Whats in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan.The guard says, "Well just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the mans shoulders, and lets him cross the border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?""Sand," says Juan.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesnt show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico."Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. Its driving me crazy. Its all I think about….. I cant sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six oclock in the morning?

There is, he replied, breakfast.

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.

Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!

Oh Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior.

Her voice dropped.

It helps her constipation, you know.

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said NO STRINGS ALLOWED.

Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.

The bartender said Cant your read? and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.

The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.

The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.

Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.

Say, asked the bartender suspiciously, arent you the string I just threw out of here?

Fraid not, replied the string.

Dos solteronas tenían una farmacia heredada del padre. Un día entra un hombre y pide un condón. Una de las mujeres le saca uno talla 42.

No, es pequeño, aclara el hombre.

Le saca uno talla 44.

No, creo que todavía es pequeño.

Saca y saca, y la última talla que le queda es un 50, pero el tipo insiste que no, que es pequeño.

Entonces, la mujer, dirigiéndose al interior del local, grita:

Hermenegilda, el señor necesita un condón talla 52 y ya no nos quedan, ¿qué le ofrezco?

¡Casa y comida y la mitad de la farmacia!, exclama Hermenegilda desde el interior.

Un borracho iba con su esposa a su casa a las tres de la mañana.

La esposa le dijo: ¡Cuidado, Manuel, una curva cerrada.

Y el borracho contesta: ¿Y qué creías que a las tres de la mañana iba a estar abierta?

Teacher: Where do white babies go when they die?
Student: Heaven.
Teacher: What do they get?
Studetn: Wings.
Teacher: What do they call them?
Student: Angels.
Teacher: Where do black babies go when they die?
Student: Heaven.
Teacher: What do they get?
Student: Wings.
Teacher: What do they call them?
Student: Bats.

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.



So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close their business. Terrified, they did so – thereby proving that:



Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

an english man was on top of the rainbow with a pain of glass in front of him and a pot of gold on the end of the rainbow. the only way to get to the gold was to someway get over the glass.


he ran into the glass but smacked his head and passed out.


an leprichorn seeing this wished he could fly so he could get over the glass to the gold. doing this he flew into a bird and was knocked down.

seeing this a jewish rabbi sang a rendicion of somewhere over the rainbow which broke the glass and he got to the gold.