A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were duck hunting from a boat not far from the lake shore. After setting out decoys the trio readied themselves for the ducks in the rosy pre-dawn light. It was then that the pastor realized he had forgotten his shotgun shells and had to make a trip back to the truck; so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and in the same matter, came back to the boat with his shells.
They shot (at) ducks for the next two hours, drank coffee out of the thermos and ate sandwiches. The priest then had to make a trip to shore for a bathroom break. He got out of the boat, walked across the water in the same manner, came back to the boat.
Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?
(Heard from a friend in New York in about 1970.)
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a pig fucker.
Lyndons campaign manager said, Lyndon, you know he doesnt do that!
Johnson replied, I know that, but I want to make him deny it.
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, you do God’s work. The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, you protect the public. The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, you serve the justice system. The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, Little boy, what are you doing?
The boy replied, I am making George Bush with this manure, Mister.
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?
The boy answered, Oh no Mister, I cant make Bill Clinton.
But why not? asked the man.
The boy replied Well, Mister, there isnt enough here to make Bill Clinton.
Era un concurso internacional en el que participaban un alemán, un americano y un mexicano. El ganador serÃa el que lograra pasar sin armas un bosque con lobos, cruzar nadando un lago lleno de cocodrilos, entrar a una cueva y matar a un oso a cachetadas y al final hacer el amor con una mujer.
En primer lugar se lanza el alemán; entra en el bosque e inmediatamente los lobos se lo comen.
Sigue el turno del americano quien logra deshacerse de los lobos, pero al tratar de cruzar el lago es devorado por los cocodrilos.
Por último llega el turno del mexicano, quien logra pasar el bosque, llega al lago, pelea con los cocodrilos y sale con vida. Inmediatamente entra a la cueva del oso. Se escuchan ruidos extraños, rugidos, gritos y después de un rato sale el mexicano lleno de sangre y con sus ropas destrozadas y pregunta:
¿Dónde está la vieja esa que hay que matar a cachetadas?
There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other.
One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said I am awfully sorry about your brother.
The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said What happened to him? The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.
The brother then said No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.
The Differences:
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c youre too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit cancel
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12A Hit cancel
12B Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Did you hear about how the [ethnic] hockey team drowned?
Spring Training.
Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and Ill show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!
A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was experiencing. The coworker said, When I have a bad headache, I just lay my head on my girlfriends bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really should try it.
The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, You know, your advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night, I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!