A man and his wife were about to get evicted and needed some quick cash. honey, we may have to prostitute you to pay the bills, said the man. ok, no problem, anything i can do said the wife. so he had her dress in her sexiest outfit and meet him on the street. ok, just go across teh street and if you need me im right here, he said. about 10 mins pass and a man approached her and asked it she was working. let me walk across the street she said. so she did and the man explained to say yes. so she did. how much? asked the john um…let me walk across the street she said, and the man told her to ask the john for $100. so she did. damn, i only have $25, what can i get fro that asked the john um…let me walk across the street she said again, and told teh man the offer, to which he said to give the john head. so she relayed this to the john, they agreed and he pulled down his pants and had a cock 10 inches long and as thick as her wrist. oh boy, let me walk across the street she siged, and went to her hubby and said um….sweetie, can i borrow $75?
Nothing, they both leave childrens bedrooms with empty sacks!
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.
Odd, her companion replied, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
Two dogs, please, said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their dogs.
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, What part did you get?
You might be a redneck if…
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?
The man replies, all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything.
Well, says the dentist, thats probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. Its eaten away your upper plate. Ill make you a new plate, and this time use chrome. Why chrome? asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, Its simple. Everyone knows that theres no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles…
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Are you ready for this? 🙂
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The baby mole said, The only thing I can smell is molasses!
Youve all heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilots story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane … only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Arthur!
Arthur who!
Arthur any more biscuits in the tin!
A guys walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, Kid, youre too young to smoke.
Johnny looks up and doesnt say anything.
The guy says, How old are you?
Johnny says, Six.
The guy says, Six? When did you start smoking?
Johnny says, Right after the first time I got laid.
The guy says, Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?
Johnny says, I dont remember. I was drunk.
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?