Dear *insert your name here*,Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen childrens teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:( ) the tooth could not be found( ) it was not a human tooth( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received( ) the tooth is still in your mouth( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:[ ] string[ ] pliers[ ] gunpowder[ ] hammer marks[ ] chisel[ ] part of skull attached to tooth[ ] no dental care( ) other reasonInstead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy
Jaimito va con su abuela y le dice, ¡Abuela, que no llevas bragas!
Y la abuela le responde, ¡Niño¡ ¿tú cómo lo sabes?
Porque llevas caspa en las zapatillas.
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
The drunk looks up and says, God? Is this God trying to warn me?
The voice says NO, IM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, But youre a duck
I see youre eyes are working replies the duck.
And you talk! exclaims the landlord.
I see youre ears are working says the duck, now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?
Certainly, says the landlord, sorry about that, its just we dont get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?
Im working on the building site across the road explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; Youre with the circus arent you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!
Sounds marvellous says the ringleader, get him to give me a call.
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!
Yeah? says the duck, Sounds great, where is it?
At the circus says the landlord.
The circus? the duck enquires.
Thats right replies the landlord.
The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle
Thats right! says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?
Yo mama so old, she still owes Fred Flinstone $5.00.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you mean change it?
Its a perfectly good bloody bulb!
Weve had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine
Yo mama so dumb she stoped in front of a stop sign and stood there for two years.
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, You say youve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem? The wife replies, Its my husband — hes driving me crazy! Im going to leave him if he continues!
How does he drive you crazy? For 20 years, she says, hes been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, hes always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. Its very embarrassing. The marriage counselor is amused, Anything else?
He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public! Hmm, anything else? The wife hesitates, whenever were making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, Id like to be in control! Ah, says the counselor, I think Ill talk to your husband now. So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, Your wife says that youve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you. The husband looks shocked, WHAT? For 20 years Ive been loving and considerate and Ive always given her what she wants! What could be the problem? The counselor explains, She says that youve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, youre always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.
The husband looks concerned, Oh, you dont understand! Its one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore Id obey everything he said. What did he say?
He said that I should never step on anyones toes! The counselor looks amused, Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry. The husband looks sheepish, Oh. Okay. The counselor continues, And you keep picking your nose in public. Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.
The counselor looks faint, That mean