A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,

Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, And what are those?

The Aussie, fed up with the Texans bragging replies with an incredulous look,

What, dont you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

New IRS Tax Policy

GOVERNMENT NOTICE

January 1, 1995

To: All Male Taxpayers

From: IRS

RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

*12-10 inches –Luxury Tax –$50.00

10-8 inches –Pole Tax –$30.00

8-6 inches –Privilege Tax –$15.00

6-4 inches –Nuisance Tax –$5.00

Please Note:

-Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.

– * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker

Internal Revenue Services

One brilliant flash and its gone.

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, Just a minute, Ill be right back.

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, Follow me to your new quarters. Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyers quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Popes new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, I dont want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said, Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer.

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.



One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.



He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?



The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

A young woman wen tto a doctor and told him, You have to help me. I hurt all over.

What do you mean? asked the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow! That hurts. Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too. Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even that hurts.

The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?

Why, yes, she said.

I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.Roberts looks around and asks, Now, who is going to tell the wife? They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me. Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.Rippington says, Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.She hollers, TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!Rippington says, Ill tell him.

The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.

Un señor llegua a un bar a las 9:00 pm, y le pide al cantinero una cerveza. Cuando termina, pide otra y así sigue hasta las 11:00 pm.

El tipo casi borracho pide otra cerveza más, y de repente le entran las ganas de orinar, y para no llevarse la cerveza al baño escribe una nota diciendo: ESCUPI EN LA CERVEZA.

Cuando termina de hacer sus nececidades, y al regresar a su antiguo puesto, donde se localizaba la cerveza, encontra otra nota diciendo: YO TAMBIEN.

El científico: Mira al suelo mientras mea y al mismo tiempo examina las burbujas y hace experimentos sobre la presión del chorro de acuerdo con la magnitud del pujo.

El despreocupado: Orina toda la parte externa del inodoro o mea en el lavamanos si encuentra todos los retretes ocupados.

El distraído: Se desabrocha la bragueta, se saca una punta de la camisa y se mea en los pantalones.

El débil: Dura varios minutos buscándosela entre la bragueta y al final decide bajarse por completo los pantalones para poder sacarla.

El envidioso: Mira hacia los demás mingitorios y compara su pija con la de los otros.

El exquisito: Se sienta en el inodoro para mear.

El fanfarrón: Se desabrocha cinco botones para sacársela cuando dos hubieran sido suficientes.

El infantil: Dirige el chorro hacia arriba y hacia abajo, intentando llegar más alto o cazar un insecto.

El insidioso: Deja escapar un silencioso pedo; luego olfatea y mira acusadoramente al vecino.

El nervioso: No encuentra la bragueta, se desgarra el cinturón y se arranca los botones o la cremallera.

Joke found on http://www.loschistes.com