Old and New Jokes

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

1% said, No

2% said, Yes

97% said, Never Again

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother………………………… Please Gogh His dizzy aunt………………………………. Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes……………………..Gotta Gogh The constipated uncle………………………… Cant Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store…….Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia…………………U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white……….Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois……………………….Chica Gogh His magician uncle…………………………….Wherediddy Gogh His Italian uncle…………………………………Day Gogh His Mexican cousin…………………………….Amee Gogh The Mexican cousins American half brother……….Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach…………….. Wellsfar Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt………………………Tan Gogh A sister who loved disco……………………….Go Gogh The bird lover uncle…………………………..Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst……………………….E Gogh The fruit loving cousin………………………..Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking…………….Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew……………………….Poe Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van……Winnie Bay Gogh

Tres parejas de recién casados se van de luna de miel y se instalan en el mismo hotel. Después de la primera noche, el esposo de la enfermera baja y el curioso recepcionista le pregunta:

¿Cómo es casarse con una enfermera?

Fatal, fatal. Mete y saca; desinfecta. Mete. Saca. Desinfecta.

Baja, entonces, el marido de la secretaria y, nuevamente el recepcionista pregunta:

¿Qué tal casarse con una secretaria?

Pésimo. Mete, saca; espere cinco minutos. Mete, saca; espere cinco minutos.

Finalmente, baja a la recepción el que se casó con la profesora y el recepcionista insiste:

¿Qué tal casarse con una maestra?

Cansadísimo. Mete, saca; y ella me dice: muy mal hecho, repita 100 veces.

Whats a vampires favorite fast food?

A guy with very high blood pressure…

What did the blonde say to the physicist?

Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?



How does a blonde kill a fish?

He drowns it.



How did the blonde die ice fishing?

He was run over by the zamboni.



A blonde painted an X on the bottom of the boat. His blonde friend walked up and asked, What are you doing? He replied, Now Ill be able to find the same fishing spot again. His blonde friend called him an idiot because we may not get the same boat again!

Well it seems that there was some mixup in one of the local papers, and it said that Elvis would be ariving in Denver.

When the Pope landed, and got off the plane, threre was a large group of people chanting: Elvis … Elvis … Elvis.

No, no. Im not Elvis, stated the Pope, I am the Pope. When he gave a short speech, thre was still a large group of people chanting: Elvis … Elvis … Elvis.

No, he told the crowd, Im not Elvis.

The Pope was tired so he went back to his hotel room. When he got to his room, there were a bunch of scantly clad women. They started screaming Oh, look its Elvis!

To which the Pope replied Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you very much.

sex is like math. You add the bed, subtract the
clothes, divide the legs and pray you dont multiply.

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots searchout a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the waters edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it.

Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

Audubon Society Magazine

(and thanks to Thom Wright)

A blonde was playing Trivia Pursuit and was asked if she was in a vacuum and someone called out her name, would she hear it?

She thought and answered..is it on or off?

Whats the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?

The nun has a soul full of hope.

Whats the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?

The circus is an array of cunning stunts.

Holly Happidays