Old and New Jokes

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.

Odd, her companion replied, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

Two dogs, please, said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their dogs.

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, What part did you get?

You might be a redneck if…
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?

The man replies, all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything.

Well, says the dentist, thats probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. Its eaten away your upper plate. Ill make you a new plate, and this time use chrome. Why chrome? asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, Its simple. Everyone knows that theres no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Are you ready for this? 🙂

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The baby mole said, The only thing I can smell is molasses!

Youve all heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilots story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane … only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Arthur!
Arthur who!
Arthur any more biscuits in the tin!

A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

**********************************************
Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
**********************************************
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. Look! They spelled MACYs wrong!
**********************************************
Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her blinker was on.
**********************************************
Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
**********************************************
Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree
********************************************
Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.
********************************************
Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
A. So they dont moo-moo when you pull on their tits.
**********************************************
Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.
********************************************

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. "Im going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "Well finish these talks in two weeks!"A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bushs chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics."Forget this," says Saddam. "Im going back to Baghdad!"Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

HOW THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT STOLE CHRISTMAS

by Paul Edwards
Twas a while before Christmas when Santa Claus said,
Now the ADAs passed, Ive a pain in my head.
It used to be easy to hire the elves
Who made all the toys and who stocked all the shelves.
Then the time came when the Congress did say
That I had to be careful about who I pay.
So I went and got Rudolph to pilot my sleigh.
He was racially different, so that was okay.
I used to hire men elves but that had to stop.
I had to let women elves into the shop.
Then Buddhists and Muslims and Croats and Jews
Became part of the mix from which I had to choose.
And just when it seemed I had got used to all
Then the ADA passed and it changed every call.
Before I was forced to hire folks from all nations
But now I am told to make accommodations!
Who understands all that the new law demands?
You must hire consultants! Put yourself in their hands!
And the first thing they do with a gleam in their eyes
Is to measure to see that the workplace complies
With the myriad measurements needed and wanted.
And then as if that didnt leave one quite daunted,
They ask to see each of the jobs that I fill
And express consternation at my lack of skill.
No, no, they opine as they look at each task,
You demand for each job what you simply cant ask!
Then much to my horror, they quietly say:
Rewrite every job or you surely will pay!
Then round my poor workshop they frantically caper
Clutching their tape measures, ogling each paper!
They measure the steps and they measure the door
And they mumble and grumble and total the score.
Every nook and each cranny gets measured with glee!
Then, with obvious joy, they report back to me!
Youre not in compliance, dear Santa, they say;
You must make many changes and starting today
You must change every practice you currently use
Rebuild every workshop and change who you choose.
We dont say that anyone has to be fired!
You can keep all the elves who youve currently hired!
But choosing the next elf you need for the shop
You must change every practice; this nonsense must stop!
You must ask every elf-person here to apply
Only orthodox questions, and, Santa Claus, try
Not to ask about handicaps, thats not allowed!
You must ask the same questions to all in the crowd.
There is some good news; dont go into a funk
You dont have to hire elves who are constantly drunk.
But do not reject yonder bibulous elf
If he says hes reformed, and is curing himself.
Every child in the land would be properly shocked
If Santa Claus found himself called to the dock.
So alter your factory, change every plan
And remove the impediments quick as you can!
The children expect it and so does the law.
And you can afford it! We noticed with awe
All the toys you produce and the money you make!
You will never regret all the trouble you take.
Oh, by the way, Santa, we couldnt help see
All your dolls are unblemished and clearly a. b.
Make blind dolls and deaf dolls and crippled ones too
That reflect population dispersion thats true!
And Santa, we noticed with mortified shock
That your toys may discriminate; jettison stock
You cannot produce a toy, Santa Claus dear
That talks and says things that a deaf kid cant hear.
And all of those toys with a visual display
Leave blind people out, so theyre just not okay!
The cars and the trucks that go fast when you race them
Exclude all the children who simply cant chase them!
And Santa Claus said, as he drove out of sight:
Let the parents give presents, Im off to get tight.
So the fear of the courts and that someone would sue
Managed to do what the grinch couldnt do!
No sleigh bells youll hear on this Christmas Eve night
Merry Christmas to all who continue the fight.