Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny.

How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky…

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?

They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Because everyone gets a turn

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

Why was the Tomato blushing?

Because he saw the salad dressing.

A termite walks into a barroom and asks,

Is the bar tender here?

Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?

Because he/she had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck!

Why dont cannibals eat comedians?

Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar.

A pint of lager and a mop please.

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

Yes sir, its fresh ground.

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says

why the long face?

Why are proctologists so gloomy?

They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha?

Lots of Room

What does mozart do now that he is dead?

He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns dont work!

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says god its hot in here, and the other sausage says…

OH MY GOD ITS A TALKING SAUSAGE!

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 roubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 roubles. So, naturally, – they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. Rabbi, weve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, Did you buy this cow from Minsk?

Rabbi! they replied as one, You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?

The Rabbi said, sadly, My wife is from Minsk.

One things sure about Clinton–he sure doesnt neglect domestic affairs.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying I got it, one to post in saying Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays, one to post in saying Our news software hasnt been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?, one to post in quoting everything so far and the words Me too, two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with I dont get it. Isnt this the place for FUNNY jokes ?, one to post in after two months Whats this lightbulb joke youre all talking about ?, one to repost it a month later thinking its a new joke, one to post I didnt get it. Whats the punchline ?, one to post Has anyone got a list of these? Im starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes, and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ? and accompanied by all of our old favourites like How many programmers…? None thats a hardware problem., three to ask, a month later, What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?, and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says,
I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also. I want all the women to go with Saint Peter.

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 160 km long, and in the line of the men who dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said to the 160-km-long line,
You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and your mates whipped you all. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied,
I dont know. My wife told me to stay here.

A blonde walks into a hair dresser with a walkman on. She tells the guy to cut whatever he wants just as long as he cuts around the headphones. So the guy says cool until he runs into a problem, he says Ms.? Ms.? Finally he just takes them off and the blonde drops dead!!

He puts the headphones on and he hears BREATHE IN…..BREATHE OUT…..BREATHE IN…..BREATHE OUT.

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, I dont really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.