Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so dumb that on a registration sheet for sex she put Yes, please.

Visitors from a strange land where coffee doesnt cost five dollars
Victims
Gator bait
Walking ATM machines
The people who brought you George W. Bush
Taxi roadkill
Witnesses
Senator Clinton
Annoying weirdos who dont speak any English (… sorry, thats what tourists call New Yorkers)
Mr. Im-too-good-to-take-a-leak-on-the-subway

MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: I reckon hes an accountant.

James: ‘No way – hes a stockbroker.

Chris: ‘Hes no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldnt come in here.

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris: Scuse me.. . no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.

Suit: ‘No offence taken. Im a logical scientist by profession.

Chris: Yeah, so whats that then.

Suit: Ill try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?’

Chris: Er. . . mmm. . . well yeah, I do as it happens.

Suit: Well, its logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chris: Its in a pond

Suit: Well then, its logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: Well then, its logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris: ‘As it happens Ive got a five-bedroom house. . . built it myself.

Suit: well, given that youve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you havent built it just for yourself and that youre probably married.

Chris: Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: Well then, its logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.

Chris: Yep! Four nights a week.

Suit: Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris: ‘Me? Never!

Suit: Well, there you are, thats logical science at work.

Chris: Hows that then?

Suit: From finding out that you had a goldfish. Ive told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life.

Chris: I ,see. Thats pretty impressive… thanks mate.

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: Yep! Hes a logical scientist.

James: Whats that then?

Chris: Ill try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: Hope.

Chris: Well then, youre a wanker.

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

That is a very smart dog, the man commented.



Hes not so smart, said one of the irked players. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.

The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep
you on the edge of financial disaster.

How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that Dead Bulb is a feature.

Un marica se pasea por un campo nudista cuando, a unos treinta metros, ve caminando hacia él a un hombre bien formado y con un miembro que le llega a media pierna.

El afeminado no le quita la vista de encima y cuando se topan de frente, el fortachón le pregunta: ¿Qué le ve, mi amigo, qué no la conoce?

¡Ay no!, y tomándole el miembro continúa: Mucho gusto; se da media vuelta y tocándose las nalgas: Le presento a unas amigas.

True story:

About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.

At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.

With my gown raised, she uttered the words, Okay, small prick, and proceeded with the injection.

Im still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the
Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, A penny
for your thoughts. The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, Well,
I was thinkin how nice it would be if yed give me a wee bit of a kiss.
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long
enough for the lass to ask him, What arre ye thinkin now? To which the
lad replied:

Well, I was hopin ye hadnt forgot the penny!