Old and New Jokes

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear … Im coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily … well, once a week … monthly, perhaps …
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
1. I wont try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
0. When I hear Where do you want to go today? I wont reply MS Tech Support.
-1. I will read the manual.
-2. I will think of a password other than password.
-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

What do you call "fart" in German?Farfrompoopin!

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Mens Room. Its crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks.

The man at the urinal next to his says, Youre Jewish?

Yes.

You come from Sudbury?

Yes.

Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?

Yes, I dont think I know you. How do you know so much about me?

The man next to him replies, Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and youre peeing in my shoe!

Un joven guapo, con un cuerpazo, estaba desempleado pues acababa de terminar sus estudios. Como no tenía ingresos, no tenía para pagar la renta, el agua, la luz, la comida, etc. Así que decide prostituirse y pone en la puerta de su casa un letrero con letras grandes:

CAMA: $100.00

CATRE: $50.00

SUELO: $25.00

Pasa una viejita y se queda mirando muy atentamente el letrero; se va a su casa; rompe el cochinito; cuenta su dinero y se va con el joven prostituto. Al ver al joven, le extiende las monedas que lleva en la mano. El muchacho detenidamente la observa y cuenta el dinero: $100.00. El joven mira a la anciana y le dice:

Picarona, ¿lo quiere en la cama?

Sonriendo con malicia, la viejita le responde:

No, mijito… ¡lo quiero cuatro veces en el suelo!

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course the famer is a blonde. 🙂

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies, Im trying to win a Nobel Prize.

How? asks the man, puzzled.

Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

Why did God make farts smelly?

So deaf people can enjoy them too!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:———————————
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
———————————Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.Yes? she inquires with a knowing smile, can I help you?I was wondering, whispers the man, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?Yes, she purrs, indeed I am!The man replies Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!