Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? these women seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time. the officer asks. Oh, theyll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.
Llega una señora al consultorio del cirujano plástico y dice:
Quisiera que me dejara como nueva porque me voy a casar y mi novio cree que soy virgen, pero ya no…
Por supuesto, le cuesta cincuenta mil pesos.
Oiga, doctor ¿no habrá algo mas barato? Es que no puedo pagar eso.
Bueno, algo rápido podrÃa ser por veinte mil.
No, no bájele más por favor.
Bueno ¿qué le parece diez mil pesos?
Mire, le voy a ser sincera, sólo traigo 500 pesos, ¿me lo hace?
Ummm, bueno quÃtese las pantaletas y acuéstese aquÃ.
Se acuesta y el doctor le manipula en sus genitales y antes de 2 minutos le dice, ya está, se puede ir.
¿Cómo, tan pronto? no es posible.
Que ya está, págueme.
La señora paga y se va y regresa a los 15 dias y le dice:
Doctor, ¿qué cosa me hizo?, qué increible, fue un dolor que ni en la primera vez y un sangradero bruto y mi esposo no podÃa meterlo, pues qué me hizo y tan rápido.
Pues qué querÃa que le hiciera por 500 pesos. Agarré 3 pelos de un lado y 3 pelos del otro lado y los amarré enmedio.
Painless dentist, indeed! Why, hes no different from any other dentist Ive been to!
Why, did he hurt you?
No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, Dad! Ive
found a woman just like mother
His father replied, So what do you want? sympathy?
An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats.
Sorry, sir, the usher said, but youre only allowed one seat.
The man groaned but didnt budge.
The usher became impatient and said, Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager.
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, All right buddy, the manager said, whats your name?
Sam, the man moaned.
Where did you come from, Sam?
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, The balcony.
Why Dogs dont surf the web…
Cant stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to mark every website they visit.
Cant help attacking the screen when they hear Youve Got Mail.
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway theyre browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
Cause dogs aint GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
I lived in DC when I was young, and dad used to take us on weekend
trips south into the Carolinas, so that we could see what real
life was like. Hed just drive along the road for a while, then
pull over at some farm and start talking to the people there.
Dad was chatting up a farmers wife once, when I discovered this pig…
It was a nice pig, as pigs go. But it only had three legs. The right
back leg was wooden! Well, I was as curious as could be, so I asked
the farmer:
Excuse me, sir. Why does your pig have a wooden leg?
Well, boy. That there is a courageous pig. The wife and me were asleep
in the house one night, when that pig came running in and woke us up.
The whole place was ablaze. We just got out alive.
And the pig got its leg burned up in the fire?
Nope. Pig got out just fine. Matter of fact, he even went back in
and saved the kids.
Then why does the pig have a wooden leg?
I told you, boy. That is a BRAVE pig! A heroic pig! That pig saved
our lives!
Yes, sir. But why does he have a wooden leg?
Boy, a pig like that, you dont eat all in one sitting!
-Bil
I know Daddys password!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, I know Daddys password! I know Daddys password!
What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!
In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, theres a sign stating – Play like champions today!
Theres also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:
Dont forget your HELMET!