Old and New Jokes

The careful application of terror is also a form of
communication.

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came
the Game Warden…

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally
caught up to him…

Lets see yer fishin license, Boy!! the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden
a valid fishing license.

Well, son, said the Game Warden, you must be about as dumb as
a box of rocks! You dont have to run from me if you have a valid
license!

Yes, sir, replied the young feller, But my friend back there,
well, he dont have one…

After years of his wifes pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preachers sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!

The Preacher replied, Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please…Id appreciate it if you didnt use the Lords name in vain!

The man said, Im sorry Reverend, but I cant help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!

The Reverend said, Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!

The man said, Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $

500.00 in the collection plate!

And the Reverend said, NO SHIT?!

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the light bulb went.

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said Take one pill for a great night. The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the mans son sitting on the porch crying.

Whats wrong? they said. The boy replied, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts and dads in the basement yelling here kitty

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?

The student replied, Heres an orange.

The professor was outraged. No! No! Think like a lawyer!

The student then replied, Okay. Id tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…

(CIM) The Netherlands: Doctor Huizenaas of the Rotterdam Animal Research Institute has successfully trained a cat not to eat food. His research followed an unsuccessful attempt by Professor Egon Spuunrais to achieve this same goal.

Prof Spuunrais failed experiment was based on the use of positive reinforcement. The cat was shown food, and if it refused to eat it, the animal was rewarded by a tasty tidbit. His conclusions were widely ridiculed, predominantly for the absence of a control.

Dr Huizenaas formulated a more rigorous test based on negative reinforcement, and including a control animal which did not receive the punishment.

In the Huizenaas experiment, whenever the test animal accepted food it was struck on the head by a small steel mallet. At first, the cats behaviour was unaffected by this, but after some adjustments to the force of the blow, it was observed that the cat became progressively less interested in the food and indeed was often seen to shake its head vigorously on being struck.

By this stage the association between eating the food and being hit on the head had obviously been made: the cat was refusing the food, but only briefly. After lurching in circles for a few mintues, the cat would return to the bowl.

However, after several more trials, the cat was conditioned to the point where it has subsequently shown no interest whatsoever in food, or anything else for that matter.

The experiment was concluded four weeks ago, and in the time since, the cat has not eaten once. Or moved. The appetite of the control cat, on the other hand, has increased to the point where it is eating the food put out for both animals.

The crofters wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing.

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

Och! said the doctor. Dont be in a rush to put the lantern by…I think theres yet another wee bairn to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad…It seems theres yet another one besides! cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the lights attracting them?

A ball point PENguin!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Medellin!
Medellin who?
Medellin where you dont belong!