Old and New Jokes

One night the conversation turned to Richard Adams book SHARDIK, about an ancient empire ruled by an enormous, semimythical bear. This triggered Doc Webster:

The only way to become a knight in Shardiks empire was to apply for a personal interview with the bear. This had its drawbacks. If he liked your audition, you were knighted on the spot – but if you failed, Lord Shardik was quite likely to club your head off your shoulders with one mighty paw.

Even so, there were many applicants – for the peasantry were poor, and if a candidate failed for knighthood, his family received, by way of booby-prize, a valuable sheepdog from the Royal Kennels. This consoled them, for truly it is written:

For the mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you.

It takes me fifteen minutes to clear my throat!

Saw this one on a professors door:

The evolution of mathematics education

during the last 30 years.

1960s

A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price. What is his profit?

1970s

A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?

1970s (New Math)

A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality
of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big
dots representing the elements of M.

The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the
cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).

1980s

A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his
profit is $2. Underline the word potatoes and discuss with your classmates.

1990s

A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst
and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and
than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.

Author unknown

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

17. Chain yourself to your roommates bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

How do you get a Jewish girl to stop screwing you?

Marry her.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybodys job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldnt do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood,plastic – anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the kings wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the princes pants?

(Scroll down for the answer.) x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

They were M&Ms!!! – (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work! Very well, then, says God, let us see how Jesus fared. Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, But how?! How did he do that?!

God chuckles, Jesus Saves!

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at the nursing home.