Old and New Jokes

At the physics exam: Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?
A: The wave.

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.

The answer to the problem was log(1+x). A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didnt want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to timber(1+x)

One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Whew, thats one terrific spread!
Im in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
Its Cool Whip time!
If I dont undo my pants, Ill burst!
Are you ready for seconds yet?
Are you going to come again next time?
Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, youll get some!
Dont play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
Do you think youll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didnt expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
Youll know its ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didnt think I could handle all of that!
How many are coming?
Thats the biggest one Ive ever seen!
Just lay back & take it easy … Ill do the rest.
How long do I beat it before its ready?

Q: Why dont Blondes use vibrators anymore?

A: Because they keep chipping their teeth !!!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!

Put on your seatbelt… I wanna try something.

Son:Mom, do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time and long ago?

Mom:No dear, sometimes they begin with honey, I was delayed at the office…

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show…

Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think thats true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriends skin …

Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore …

LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isnt that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week … Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible … I think money makes it possible!

Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the worlds first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? Its bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?

According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good … lets tell our enemies … thats what I love about our country, you cant tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies were running out of ammunition. We dont have any bullets, and I cant tell you if Im gay.

Your brain is so small that if they put it on the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a BB rolling down an eight lane highway.

A couple returned from their honeymoon and its obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The grooms best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

Well, replied the man, When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.

Oh, you shouldnt worry about that too much, said his friend. Im sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she cant expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!

The groom nodded gently and said, I dont know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!