26
Sep

Notty nurse playing golf

Woman golfer lines up on the first tee. Slices it badly and she hears a guy wailing pitifully off by the side of the tee and when she looks at him in horror hes doubled over with his hands tightly clenched together over his crotch.

She dashes over, apologizing profusely. Im so sorry, she says, its OK, Im a nurse. I know what to do.

She gently undoes the mans fly (who converts his wailing to a whimper) and begins to stroke his todger.

There, there. she says, Does that feel better?

The guys eyes are still watering but he says, Sure, but shit… my thumbs still killing me!

26
Sep

Signs Youve Had Enough of the New Millenium

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2) You now think of three espressos as getting wasted.

3) You havent played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, Whats for dinner?

6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you havent spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8) You didnt give your wife a Valentines card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.

10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.

14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."

17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

20) You think a half-day means leaving at 5 oclock.

21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

25
Sep

Email Like Penis

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some dont. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who dont have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who dont have it may agree that its a nifty toy, but think its not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who dont have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. Its more fun when its up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes its hard to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its too late.

If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself Why on earth did I do that?

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

25
Sep

Santa and the Blonde!

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks Santa, will you stay with me?

Santa says, Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, yknow!

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks Santa, now will you stay with me?

Santa says, Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, yknow!

She takes off everything and asks Santa, now will you stay with me?

Santa replies Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay!

I cant get up the chimney with my dick this way!

24
Sep

La muchacha que ayuda a

La muchacha que ayuda a la señora de la casa se dispone a arreglar la cama de sus patrones, cuando descubre en medio de las sábanas un condón usado. Espantada corre con la señora a informar el hallazgo: ¡Siñora, siñora!, venga a ver loqui incontré.

La señora, un poco asustada, la acompaña y tras reconocer el objeto dice: ¡Ay María, qué ignorante eres! ¿Qué en tu pueblo no hacen el amor? Sí siñora, ¡pero no hasta despellejarnos!

24
Sep

Esto sucede en un colectivo

Esto sucede en un colectivo de la ciudad de Buenos Aires. En una de las paradas sube una señora con sus siete hijos y ve que no hay lugar; de repente, al final del colectivo ve a un tipo estirado ocupando cuatro asientos y la señora le dice:

Señor, si usted encogiera las piernas un poco habría lugar para todos.

A lo que el señor le responde:

Sí, pero si usted hubiera cerrado las piernas también habría lugar para todos…

24
Sep

Duck Hunter

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldnt get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.

Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.



As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees hes got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.



Hey! said the hunter, Come back with my duck!



Your duck? says the farmer, It was lying dead in my barnyard; its MY duck.



No! No! You dont understand!, shouts the hunter, I shot it and it just happened to fall here. Its mine!



Okay, city fella. Well settle this the country way, says the farmer.



Country way? Whats that? says the hunter.



We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can, says the farmer. Last man standing wins the duck…. That is, unless youre Yella.



Of course Im not yellow, says the hunter.



Fine. Country way it is, says the farmer. Since were on my property, Ill go first.



With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly pass out.



After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, Now… my… turn!



The farmer reply: Nah, I give up. Heres your duck.

24
Sep

Uncle Frank

Ed called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
Hello? said a little girls voice. Hi, honey, its Daddy, said Ed. Is Mommy near the phone?
No, Daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.
After a brief pause, Ed said, But you dont have an Uncle Frank, honey!
Yes, I do. Hes upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!
Okay, then. Heres what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house.
Okay, Daddy!
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone.
Well, I did what you said, Daddy.
And what happened?
Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now shes all dead.
Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?
He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now hes dead too.
There was a long pause, then Ed said, Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?

23
Sep

1. Se nace cansado y

1. Se nace cansado y se vive para descansar.

2. Ama a tu cama como a tí mismo.

3. Descansa de día para que puedas dormir de noche.

4. Si ves que alguien descansa, ¡Ayúdalo!

5. El trabajo es cansancio.

6. No hagas hoy lo que puedas hacer mañana.

7. Haz lo menos que puedas y deja que lo hagan otros.

8. De mucho descansar nadie se murió.

9. Si quieres trabajar, siéntate, y espera a que se te pase.

10. Si el trabajo es salud, ¡Viva la enfermedad!

23
Sep

Why does Mike Tyson cry after every time he has sex?

Because of the pepper spray.