Old and New Jokes

A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings him into the living room to meet her parents.

“Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We’ll be home early,” she says.

Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his name that he is not Jewish.

When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately, “Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?”

“No Mom, he’s not,” replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle is about to begin.

Momentary silence from the mom. “Well — is he pre-med?”

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way hes going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people arent too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, Do you have change for a $15 bill?

The old man replies, I sure do … How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says, I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.

Well the second guy says, Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.

Well the third guy says, Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.

Well the fourth guys clearly states, Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.

The other three guys say really? Whys that?

And the fourth guys says, Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didnt know what to do … so I shit my pants!

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal sex?

Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come from!

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder .

When he got close hes saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, Pull over!

The blonde shouted back, No! Its a sweater!

Se encontraron un día el famoso Pepito y Jaimito (el equivalente a Pepito en España y en algunas otras partes de Latinoamérica).

Le dice Jaimito a Pepito:

Joder Pepito, que nombre tan simpático tenéis: le cambias una sola letra y… dice Peputo… y si le cambias 2 dice palpito.

Pepito, sin pensarlo demasiado responde:

No mames pinche Jaimito, el tuyo está mucho más simpático… le cambias todas las letras y dice Vas y Chingas a tu Madre.

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said Nice pigs, Sir!



The President replied These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.



The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, Nice trade, Sir!

A husband is whats left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. I cant find any green golf balls, the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?

Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!

Woods Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails.