One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Dont you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."Satan asked, "Arent you afraid of me?""Nope, sure aint," said the man.Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why arent you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!
1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, LOL, LOL.
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer…or put it in the bathroom.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can hang out.
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say he he he he or heh heh heh instead of laughing.
13. You say SCROLL UP when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience withdrawal after not being online for awhile.
18. You say…….Where did the time go??
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….
22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.
23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this…. BRB. Leave your S/N and Ill TTYL…ASAP.
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. Youre on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.
28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.
After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.
Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.
This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..)
Hot Dang, the Pope says to His-self, If hes getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!.
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.
Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out Hey Pete! Whats the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. Were putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because hes the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!
Una pareja tuvo su primera cita y salieron una noche. Cuando salieron, él se dio cuenta que no llevaba dinero en efectivo y acordó que le iba a pagar a ella $500 por los gastos de la cita que tuvo que desembolsar. Al otro dÃa decide enviarle un cheque a través de su secretaria, pero para que ésta no se enterara de la relación que hubo entre los dos, le da a entender que el dinero es en pago por el alquiler de un apartamento. Sin embargo, el tipo decide enviarle un cheque por $300 en lugar de los $500 acordados y le expone las siguientes razones:
Estimada señora:
Le envÃo $300 en vez de los $500 acordados en pago del apartamento que alquile pues esperaba otra cosa:
1ro. Esperaba un apartamento sin estrenar.
2do. Que tuviera calefacción.
3ro. Que fuera pequeño y resultó todo lo contrario, pues estaba usado, era frÃo y ancho.
Atentamente, Sr. Inconforme.
Al recibir esto, la joven señora le contesta:
Estimado caballero:
Le devuelvo su dinero pues en verdad no lo necesito, pero debo decirle con referencia a lo que dice su carta que usted tenÃa que saber:
1ro. Que un apartamento tan bonito no podÃa estar sin estrenar.
2do. Que con seguridad usted no supo encender la calefacción.
3ro. Que yo no tengo la culpa de que usted no tenga suficientes muebles para llenar el apartamento.
Atentamente,
La Dueña.
A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.
Another guy says, Whats that? The first guy says, That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.
Another one says, My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, Whats that?
He says, That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.
A lady says, Thats nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.
Larry says, A wife? Whats a wife?
She says, That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dawn!
Dawn who?
Dawn leave me out here in the cold!
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.
The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.
Joke found on http://www.jokedepot.com
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker-night
10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge
Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work
on this program. Can you help me? Dear Sir,
This is a very common problem men complain about but
is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed
by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to
uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have
tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up
with more problems than original system. Look in your
manual under Warnings – Alimony / Child Support. I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the
situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General Protection
Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur. The best course of
action will be to push apologize button then reset button
as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long
as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great
program but is very high maintenance.