- According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: Hes out of town.
- Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie Whats The Matter With Helen? Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-thats why they asked the question.
- What are dual-purpose cattle good for that other cattle arent?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk … and cookies, but I dont recommend the cookies.
- Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?
- When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Ill lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
- Robert Young recently stated, I never, never give … something to his fans who ask for it. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A hysterectomy.
- James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
- Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
- Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
- According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
- When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
- True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER:This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.
- Youre on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
- If youre going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
- Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
- Youve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: Thats whats been keeping me awake.
- Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four.
- True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
- According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.
- According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
One day President Clinton was on an airplane with a Jew and a Russian. The plane started dropping. President Clinton took a bomb and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.
The Jew took a bottle of wine and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.
The Russian took the Jew and threw him out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say Its because the watch is on your right hand.
The man puts the watch on his left hand and says Oh there we go!
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there, and times havent changed at all!
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?
St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar? She heard the drinks were on the house.
1. Stays in bed past 5am
2. When you critize him he yells thou sucketh
3. You find his stash of colored socks.
4. He wears his big black hat backwards.
5. He has pictures of women not wearing bonnets
6. Uses slang expresions – talk to the hand cuz the beard aint listening
7. Shows up to barn raising in KISS make-up
8. Says if I had a radio, Id listen the gangster rap
Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? A: So she could use it as a mirror.
You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women!