Im worried, said the woman to her sex therapist. I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each others bodies.
Thats not unusual, smiled the therapist. I wouldnt worry about it.
But I am worried, doctor, insisted the woman, and so is my daughters husband!
I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when: Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasnt odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didnt matter. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasnt an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons werent 30-minute ads for action figures. No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.Dont play with your food, one second-grader cited.Dont be loud, said another, and so on.And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat? the priest inquired of one little boy.Without batting an eye, the child replied, Order something cheap.
Roman Cardinals
From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed
in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells
to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing
the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.
During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.
Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.
Great!, responds the interviewer… we give disabled Vet preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.
But doesnt everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?, asks the guy.
Yes, but you dont have to come in until 10…
All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real men arent afraid of the dark.
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, Who is this?
This is the maid, answers the woman.
We dont have a maid!
I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.
Well, this is her husband. Is she there?
Ummm… shes upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her
husband.
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?
What do I have to do?
I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the
jerk shes with.
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of
gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. What should I do with the bodies?
Throw them in the swimming pool!
What?! Theres no pool here? Long pause.
Uh… is this 555-4821?
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. You arent so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
What took you so long to answer?
I was in bed.
What were you doing in bed this late?
Getting a second opinion.
*** VIRUS ALERT ***
If you receive an email entitled Fighting Canaries, delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerators coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-laws number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.
If the Badtimes message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection…