Old and New Jokes

I usually dont tell Irish jokes, but since Im Irish I think I am entitled to tell this one:

Anyway Paddy walks into this bar and spots this very attractive girl sitting alone, he tells the barman to send her over a drink.

The barman replies Forget it, your wasting your time, shes a lesbian.

I dont care Paddy replies, Send her over a drink.

Later on he buys her another drink and makes his way towards her. Hi ya doin? Im Paddy and Im pleased to meet you!

The lady replies, Shove off Paddy! Im not interested. Im a lesbian!

But I dont care paddy replies.

Look, the lady says to Paddy, Do you see that tall blonde with the round breasts, and the big red lips down the bar?

Yes Paddy replies.

Well the lady says, I would like to go down to her and give her a big kiss on them big red lips.

To which Paddy replies, WELL I MUST BE A LESBIAN TOO

Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.

You watch The Dukes Of Hazzard and have to find someone to explain it to you.

Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say youve met your future wife.

Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?…

Q: Why is duct tape like The Force? A: Because it has a Light side and a Dark side and it holds the Universe together.

A blind man was walking down the road past a fish processing factory. Suddenly, he stopped, took a sniff, turned around and said, Good morning, ladies!

A kid calls up his mom from his college and asks her for some money, hed run out.

Mom says, Sure, sweetie. Mom will send you some money. And by the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last week, do you want me to send that up too?

Uhh, oh yeah, OK. responds the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book up, along with 2 checks, in a package and went to the post office to mail it.

When she gets back, Dad asks, Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Mom says, Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000.

$1,020!!! yells Dad, Are you crazy???

Dont worry hon, says Mom, I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!

You might be a redneck if…
You have the taxidermists number on speed-dial.

He asks him Meri company ka naam kya hain?

Options : TISCO, Wipro, ABCL, Reliance.

The guys says ABCL

Amitabh asks Sure, confident?

The guys says yes confident

Amitabh says Computerji ABCL ko tala laga do

The computer replies Abe gadhe ABCL ko 2 saal se tala laga hua hai !

I saw Mary with the ex American Secretary of State yesterday.

Kissinger?

No, just holding her hand …

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya cant get married to yer sweetheart cause theres a law against it.

You dated one of your parents current spouses in high school.