I once had a highly qualified applicant for the position of Motor Equipment Operator with the State Highway Administration. When I reviewed his application though, I wasnt sure about hiring him.
One of the questions was: Have you ever been arrested?
He had entered No in the blank space provided.
Printed on the same line within the form was Why?
His answer – Aint never been caught.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You go up to her and say Hi, Im great in bed, what about it?.
Thats direct marketing.
You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, what about it?.
Thats advertising.
You go to a party, you see a SEXY girl across the room. She comes over and says, Hi, I hear youre great in bed, what about it?
Now that is the power of branding!
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.
The Pope says, No way. You cant do that.
The Queen says, Watch this.
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought shed be able to do it.
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.
The Queen goes, No way, it cant be done.
So the Pope headbutts her.
Whats grosser than gross?
A woman is yelling at her husband. You SHMUCK! God, you are such a SHMUCK! I cant believe what an incredible SHMUCK you are. If there were a contest for biggest SHMUCK in the world, YOUD come in second!
Why second, he asked?
Because youre such a SHMUCK!
The only surviving Japanese Kamikaze pilot from World War two is named Chicken Teriyaki. He regularly writes to his friend, Stanley Kowalski, who was a Polish Kamikaze pilot with over 50 missions to his credit.
Dr. Jones, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if theyre cured and ready to re-enter society.
So, Mr. Clark, the doctor says to one of his patients, I see by your chart that youve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once youre released?
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. Thats still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what its like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which Ive grown interested in lately.
Dr. Jones nods and says, Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.
The patient replies, And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.
486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art – Any computer you cant afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.
Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 – Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.
Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey)
Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one
within city limits.