Old and New Jokes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks What may we do for you, my son?

He answers I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.

Very well, my son. Please follow me.

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man Please knock on this door. He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

They love to mail-bash.

A: A brunette whos told one too many blonde jokes.

As the storm raged, the captain realized his
ship was sinking fast. He called out,
Anyone here know how to pray?

One man stepped forward. Aye, Captain, I
know how to pray.

Good, said the captain, you pray while
the rest of us put on our life jackets –
were one short.

This was taken from an episode of Welcome back, Kotter. Its not verbatim.

Mr. Kotter (to Julie): Did i ever tell you about my uncle Herman, the hunter? Well, he wasnt really a hunter, his mother just wanted him to have a hobby. So she bought him a hunters suit, a hunters cap, and a rifle, and told him: Now go out into the woods and shoot some game.

So he went out hunting, and out of some nearby bushes steps a beautiful girl, wearing a hunters suit, a hunters cap, and carrying a rifle. So he asked her: Are you game?

She said Sure.

So he shot her.

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers arent afraid to have a Chapter 11?

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the drivers side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.

Oedipus was a nervous rex.

You might be a redneck if…
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hells Angels bikers walked in. The first walked
up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old mans pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old mans milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old mans plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, Humph, not much of a man, was he?
The waitress replied, Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a man about eighty, slightly overweight and naked jogged by. One lady turned to the other and asked, What was that?

To which the other replied, Im not sure but I think it needed ironing.