Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.

As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, Hey! Didnt you hear me? Im a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. I dont get it. Why wont you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.

The guy says, Look, Im a computer geek. I dont have time for girls.

But a talking frog is cool!

INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
D.O.S woman:
Everyone had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore.
VIRUS woman:
Also known as wife; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you dont try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOR EVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman:
She fucks up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.

The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think its ok to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

Unos Argentinos recien llegados a Madrid entran en un estanco para comprar cigarrillos. Se dirigen al vendedor:

Che, gallego, danos un paquete de fasos.

¿Fashos? ¿Qué son eshos, sheñor?

Esos tubos de papel con tabaco adentro, ¿o sos tarado?

Sheñor, aquí no los llamamos fashos, los llamamos pitillos.

Bueno, y una caja de fósforos.

¿Fóshforos?

Uf, esos palitos para encender los pitillos. ¡Mirá que sos…!

Sheñor, aquí no los llamamos fóshforos, los llamamos cerillas.

El Argentino, ya cansado, se apoya en el mostrador y le dice sobrador:

Gallego, ya que sos tan piola, decime, ¿cómo llaman aquí a los hijos de puta?

Sheñor, nosotros no los llamamos, ¡los trae Aerolíneas Argentinas!

Because Im a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with
a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because Im a man, when the car isnt running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what Im looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldnt know where to start. We will then drink beer.

Because Im a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER get as sick
as I do, so for you this isnt an issue.

Because Im a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.

Because Im a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive
by holding a calculator).

Because Im a man, I dont think were all that lost, and no, I dont
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger — I mean, how could he know where were going?

Because Im a man, there is no need to ask me what Im thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so dont.

Because Im a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mothers day
is okay, I dont need to see it. And dont forget to pick up
something for my Mom, too!

Because Im a man, you dont have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if youre crying at the end of it, I didnt like it.

Because Im a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.

Because Im a man, I think what youre wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because Im a man, and this is, after all, the 2000s, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. Ill do the rest.

This has been a public service message for women, to better understand
the Male animal.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.

The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. So did you follow him? I did. And…where did he go? Over to your house!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tennis!
Tennis who?
Tennis five plus five!

Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.