Old and New Jokes

This was taken from an episode of Welcome back, Kotter. Its not verbatim.

Mr. Kotter (to Julie): Did i ever tell you about my uncle Herman, the hunter? Well, he wasnt really a hunter, his mother just wanted him to have a hobby. So she bought him a hunters suit, a hunters cap, and a rifle, and told him: Now go out into the woods and shoot some game.

So he went out hunting, and out of some nearby bushes steps a beautiful girl, wearing a hunters suit, a hunters cap, and carrying a rifle. So he asked her: Are you game?

She said Sure.

So he shot her.

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers arent afraid to have a Chapter 11?

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the drivers side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.

Oedipus was a nervous rex.

You might be a redneck if…
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hells Angels bikers walked in. The first walked
up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old mans pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old mans milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old mans plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, Humph, not much of a man, was he?
The waitress replied, Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a man about eighty, slightly overweight and naked jogged by. One lady turned to the other and asked, What was that?

To which the other replied, Im not sure but I think it needed ironing.

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.


He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.


When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.


So Moisha explained: We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.


The customs official shook his head and said, Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?


Moisha then said Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.


The customs official slapped his head and then said, You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?


Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.

Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.

This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

Man, that guy is stupid I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and heres why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, thats 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. Thats 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, thats 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. Thats 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, thats 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, thats 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem, thats 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldnt DREAM of flipping her off.

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!