Old and New Jokes

You are so poor that when you went up to your mom and asked her what you were having for dinner, she opened up her legs and said,Tuna!

You might be a redneck if…
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Did ya hear about the blonde lesbian? She liked guys!

A man goes to the doctor and says, Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?

I think that is a wise decision, the doctor replies. Lets see, do you smoke? Oh.. Half a pack a day. Starting NOW, no more smoking. The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, Do you drink? Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while. Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions. The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, How do you eat? Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff. Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese. The man is now really worried. Doc, is all this really necessary? Do you want to live long? Yes. Well then, its absolutely necessary. And dont even think of breaking the diet.

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, Do you have sex? Yeah, once a week or so…, only with my wife! he adds hurriedly.

As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.

The man is appalled. Doc…Are you sure Im going to live longer this way?

I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!

If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up the next day and call you up to say they had a nice time. Now youll be expected to throw another party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if theyve been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct “Festivity Level….”

Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling on hors doeuvres.

Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors doeuvres.

Festivity Level Three Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I Cant Get No Satisfaction,” gulping other peoples drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and sticking hors doeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level Four Your guests have hors doeuvres smeared all over their naked, liquor-soaked bodies and are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case, feel free to go to level four. The best way to get to level three is eggnog. Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word “eggnog” comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word “egg,” meaning, egg. I dont know where the “nog” comes from. To make eggnog, youll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large festive bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure they dont arrest anybody. Or if theyre dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isnt you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them that youre not doing anything illegal. Heres how to handle it:…
Police: Good evening. Are you the host?
You: No
Police: Weve been getting complaints about this party.
You: About the drugs?
Police: No.
You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
Police: No, the noise. You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background) or fireworks. Whos complaining about the noise? The neighbors?
Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?
You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are already starting to wind down.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for a heart attack the gentleman was having. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming – but I guess he was going.

Hold on to your nuts, this is not ordinary blow job!

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.