Old and New Jokes

mr brain-dead and mr heart-dead are hanging around. mr heart-dead says the next woman coming along is mine… then there comes an old woman and mr heart-dead snaps with his fingers.. the old woman dies by a heartattack. ok says mr brain-dead.. the next is mine..
a few minutes later a blonde comes along and mr brain-dead snaps and snaps and snaps and…

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.

Jake, you up yet?

Jake, sleepily, Yeah, but Im only now starting my coffee.

Jake. Open the newspaper to page 31.

Why, whats in the paper?

Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!

Ok, Ok, Ive got the paper here, so whats in page 31?

Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!

All right, dont be such a pain in the kiester so early in the morning already. So, whats on page 31 thats so important?

Jake, look at the bottom of column 4.

Why? Whats that story on?

Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!

OK, OK, Ill start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silence ensues.

Finally, Jake comes on the line, a bit quietly and somewhat fearful, So, Saul … where are you calling from?

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

All the couples agreed and then came back at the end of the two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The old man replies, No problem at all! Pastor. Congratulations! Welcome to the church!

The pastor then goes to the middle aged couple and asks, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The man replied, The first week was not too bad but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

Congratulations! Welcome to the church, said the pastor.

The pastor finally goes to the young newlywed couple and asks, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?

No, pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied.

What happened? asked the pastor.

My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.

You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church, admonished the pastor.

Thats OK, said the young man, Were not welcome at the grocery store either!

You Know Youre in New York City When…

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.

2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.

3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, Ack. More damned aliens.

4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.

5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.

6. You pass a convenience store advertising Free green cards, no questions asked.

7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.

8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.

9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.

10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizens car in front of you reads, Warning: I break for pedestrians.

A womans most important men:

Who are the most important men in women’s life:

The Doctor because he says take your clothes off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon youll loose interest.

There was a white guy a black guy and an aggie, The white guy said If I have pizza for lunch one more time i am going to kill myself The black guy saidIf I have corndogs

for lunch one more time I am going to kill myself Then the aggie said if I have a ham sandwitch one more time I am going to kill myself Next Day The white guy looked in his lunch box the went and shot himself. the black guy looked in his lunch box and then shot himself. the aggie looked in his lunchbox and then went and shothimself.



Later that day the police told their wifes the white guys wife said he should of just asked for something diffrent the black guys wife said the samething the aggies wife said I dont know why he shot himself he makes his own lunch!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one, however, was smart enough to duck. 😉

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fiddlesticks!
Fiddlesticks?
Fiddlesticks (Feetll stick) out if the blanket is too short!

Q: What do blondes say after sex?

A1: Thanks, Guys!

A2: Are you boys all in the same band?

A3: Do you guys all play for the (team name)?

A4: Who were all those guys?

Dear God,

Please grant me patience – NOW!