Old and New Jokes

What is the difference in a Knights of Columbus and a Shriner? Answer: A Knight is once a knight ,always a Knight and the Shriners argue that once a night is enough for anyone!

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

So whats the speed of dark?

Why dont they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a

new horse. The horses trainer meets him before the race and

says, All you have to remember with this horse is that every

time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ALLLLEEE OOOP!

really loudly in the horses ear. Providing you do that,

youll be fine.



The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the

command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainers ridiculous advice and the

horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.



They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey,

somewhat embarrassed, whispers Aleeee ooop in the horses

ear. The same thing happens–the horse crashes straight through

the center of the jump.



At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, Its no good, Ill

have to do it, and yells, ALLLEEE OOOP! really loudly. Sure

enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This

continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier

problems the horse only finishes third.



The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The

jockey replies, Nothing is wrong with me–its this bloody

horse. What is he–deaf or something?



The trainer replies, Deaf?? DEAF?? Hes not deaf–hes BLIND!

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor Teacher.
Senior: Calls the professor Bob.

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if its more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professors habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Dominos every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus Subway burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand ones horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

Theres this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard. … Violators will be toad.

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you ,I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms,to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I cant put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

Oh yes, I say to you, I must say Grace! Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen.

(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

yo mamma so fat she had on a yellow dress and was jumping on the trampoline and the people said look the sun is moving

What is the sharpest thing in the world?A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesnt even leave a hole.