I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
Im better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience. he replied.
Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful? I asked in stunned disbelief.
Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying My husband is home! My husband is home!
– An Amish drive-by shooting.
Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you can find a rock.
Im worried, said the woman to her sex therapist. I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each others bodies.
Thats not unusual, smiled the therapist. I wouldnt worry about it.
But I am worried, doctor, insisted the woman, and so is my daughters husband!
I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when: Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasnt odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didnt matter. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasnt an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons werent 30-minute ads for action figures. No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.Dont play with your food, one second-grader cited.Dont be loud, said another, and so on.And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat? the priest inquired of one little boy.Without batting an eye, the child replied, Order something cheap.
Roman Cardinals
From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed
in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells
to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing
the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.
During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.
Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.
Great!, responds the interviewer… we give disabled Vet preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.
But doesnt everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?, asks the guy.
Yes, but you dont have to come in until 10…
All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real men arent afraid of the dark.