Old and New Jokes

What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

Dad and dave are walking along in the bush and they come across a dingo licking its balls. Dad says Ive always wanted to do that. Dave replies those dingoes can be pretty viscious you know youd want to pat it a bit first.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.



Youll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.



No, no, no! said the man.

I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!

A pair of counterfeiters accidentally make some thirteen dollar bills.
No business in town will accept the money, and they are about to throw
it away when they run across a store run by an [ethnic].
They ask the [ethnic] for change from the $13 bill, and he replies
Certainly, would you like a nine and a four, or a seven and two threes?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: Mom, why are wedding dresses white?

The mother looks at her son and replies, Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. Dad why are wedding dresses white?

The father looks at his son in surprise and says… Son, all household appliances come in white!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction
on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, Shell never go for me carrying on like
that, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after
that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because
he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill
affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had
three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He
putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived
home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight! She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to
answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard
time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and rrriiiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the
conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each
time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness, and
freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After
assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.

A: Because they dont know the words.

By Andrew Marlatt

Sunday, February 10, 2002; Page B05

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be way eviler than the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.

Right. They are Just as Evil … in their dreams! declared North Korean President Kim Jong Il. Everybody knows were the best evils ….I mean the best at being evil….Were the best.

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. They told us it was full, said Syrian President Bashar Assad.

An Axis cant have more than three countries, explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.

International reaction to Bushs Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil, Really, As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Arent Necessarily the Worst But Wont Be Asked to Host the Olympics Anytime Soon; Suriname, Guyana and French Guiana formed the Axis of Countries That Hate That People Always Assume Theyre in Africa Because Theyre Not; while Canada, Mexico and Australia established the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America.

We have a waiting list as long as my arm, said Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien.

While wondering if the other nations of the world werent perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in Guay, accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israeli officials, meanwhile, insisted they didnt want to join any axis, but privately, some world leaders said thats only because they havent been asked.

Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.



One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of Johns voice from beyond.



John is that you? Dave asked.



Yes, its me, John replied.



This is unbelievable Dave exclaimed. So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?



Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?



Tell me the good news first.



Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven.



Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?



Youre pitching tomorrow night.

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us such as:

There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesnt smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one time, and Blitzens head now overlooks Bubbas fireplace.

You wont hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen … when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, youll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond, I herd dat!

As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back off. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and Its a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, youll see Boss Hog Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars crashing into each other.

Bubba Claus doesnt wear a belt. If I were you, Id make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and Bing Crosbys Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutts Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox; Cledus T. Judds All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack, and Johnny Paychecks If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, Shove It.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209