– Yo Mamas so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals – Yo Mamas so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, What a treasure! and her father said, Yeah! Lets go bury it! – Yo Mamas so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. – Yo Mamas so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end. – Yo Mamas so ugly, they didnt make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars. – Yo Mamas so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, Damn! Is it Halloween already? – Yo Mamas so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday. – Yo Mamas so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot. – Yo Mamas so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone. – Yo Mamas so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled rape, they yelled NO! – Yo mamas so ugly, shes like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border. – Yo mamas so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up. – Yo mamas so ugly, rice crispies wont even talk to her. – Yo mamas so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out. – Yo mamas so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. – Yo mamas so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out. – Yo mamas so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye. – Yo mamas so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said Thanks for bringing her back.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven? The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City. Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Marys for the last forty-three years. Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be? Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains:
Doctor, when I wasnt married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and cant get pregnant.
Well said the doctor, Its possible you dont breed in captivity!
Yo mommas so stupid, she stared at a orange juice carton for an hour because it said concentrate.
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You
Im Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
Ive Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
If Love Were Oil, Id Be A Quart Low
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
Oh, Ive Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
The American ambassador visited the Romanian president. In the waiting
room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes.
When he entered he said to the Romanian president,
I really dont want to bother you but I talked with two of your
ministers, and my gold watch was disappeared.
So the president answered, OK. Ill take care of it,
left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.
The ambassador said, Thank you very much, said the ambassador.
I hope that I didnt cause any crisis between you and them.
Thats OK, said the president. They did not notice.
Hillel gazit%ganelon.usc.edu@oberon.usc.edu
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctors for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God? And the man says, Oh me and God? Were tight. We have a real bond, hes good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off. Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the mans wife and said, Id like to speak to you about your husbands connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true? And she says, That idiot, hes been peeing in the refrigerator!
Kathryns 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car shed yell, Mom, what does f-g-r-p-l spell?
Nothing, Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast shed suddenly ask, Mom, what does d-o-e-b spell?
Nothing, Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, Mom, what does l-m-d-z spell?
Kathryn smiled at her and said, Nothing, sweetheart.
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!
ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/
Three young men, filled with Christmas cheer decided to serenade a number of their female acquaintances with songs of the season.
At Bettys house they sang the mistresss anthem, God Rest Ye Married, Gentlemen – and Betty welcomed the gesture warmly with a round of egg nog.
Encouraged, the trio moved on to Alices house, where they crooned the lament of the cherubs under stress, Hark, The Harried Angels Sing! Alice rewarded the smigers with glasses of steaming punch.
Buoyed by the spirits of the moment, the troubadours stopped next at Inas house. Unfortunately, no one was home. Keen to have her hear them, yet feeling somewhat fatigued by their musical efforts, the leader suggested that they return the next day. After all he observed we can always … carol Ina in the morning.
Why isnt Mexico in the olympics?…
Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..