Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
16
May
16
May
Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
16
May
Nursery school teacher says to her class, Who can use the word Definitely in a sentence?
First a little girl says, The sky is definitely blue.
The teacher says, Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange…
Second little boy says…Trees are definitely green
The teacher replies, Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
Does a fart have lumps?
The teacher looks horrified and says…
Johnny! Of course not!!!
OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…
16
May
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
Yes, she replied readily.
Tell him Mother didnt come after all.
16
May
En una competencia de tiro habÃa un gringo con una pistola de ésas con rayo láser y mira de águila en un lado y del otro lado habÃa un mexicano que con la crisis a duras penas traÃa una resortera. En eso un pato pasó en medio de los dos y los dos dispararon sus armas al mismo tiempo. El pato cayó en medio y los dos fueron por él y estaban discutiendo, no que mÃo, no que mÃo. Entonces el mexicano dijo, Vamos a darnos una patada donde más duele y el que grite pierde el pato
El gringo dijo que sÃ,y el mexicano dijo, Yo empiezo porque tu estás más grandote
El gringo se puso en pose de Superman y el mexicano agarró como cinco cuadras de vuelo y ya para llegar le dio dos vueltas a la pierna y ¡sopas! Pero el gringo no gritó, se aguantó como los meros machos y dijo, Ahora tocarme a mi.
El mexicano le respondió, No, ¿sabes qué, carnal? Ahà muere. Quédate con el pato.
16
May
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to pull my finger.
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large No Refunds sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said …
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?
14. Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.
17. He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.
16
May
A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, Jesus is watching you.
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.
He heard again, Jesus is watching you. This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.
He asked, Did you say that?
The parrot admitted that he had. Im just trying to warn you, is all.
The burglar sad, Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? Whats your name?
Moses.
Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?
The bird answered, I dont know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus……..
16
May
Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken who is your favorite music composer?
The second chicken responds bach, bach, bach!
16
May
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. The husband says WHAT?? The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. Well take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. The husband says, no – no – no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
16
May
What do you call a bunch of white people pushing a car up a hill?
– White power
What do you call a bunch of black people pushing a car up a hill?
– Black power
What do you call a bunch of Mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
– Grand theft auto
Web Site joke submission from George Wilkie
from Humble, TX USA (usr28-dialup12.mix1.bloomington.mci.net)
on 6/2/1998 22:41:50