Old and New Jokes

You know your a redneck when… you have your family reunion at the Talladega 500.

You Just Might Be A Redneck If…

Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of Most Admired People. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, yall watch this!

Youve got more than one brother named Darryl. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Ya cant get married to yer sweetheart cause theres a law against it.

You dated one of your parents current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Q: What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?

A: Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldnt think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. Theyd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

14. Women would rule the world.

A woman told her doctor she was so flat chested men had little interest in her. No one had even asked her for a date and she was getting desperate.

The doctor told her about a series of exercises that would help solve her problem. The only catch was they had to be done for 15 minutes every day without fail. She was to put her hands in her armpits and bend her elbows backwards as far as she could. This would enlarge her pectoral muscles and help solve her problem.

The doctor also said it would be good to exercise at the same time every day and would help maintain a certain rhythm if she repeated this little phrase while exercising, I must, I must, I must increase my bust.

She opted to exercise at 2 p.m. each day and happened to be waiting for the bus at the designated time. While she was exercising and repeating the exercise phrase, she felt a tap on her shoulder and a man behind her asked if she knew what time it was.

She indicated it was 2:05 p.m. and he said, Oh my goodness, its time!

He then began jumping up and down while saying, Hickory, dickory, doc, I must …

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Six. One to do it, and five to say Its too high for HIM.

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.

At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: When your husband can read this without his glasses, its time to get yourself to the hospital!

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.

Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient. Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son. Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears. But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant!

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?" "Im from Ireland." "Me too! Ill drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! Ill drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! Ill drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more."Where on the East Side are you from?" "McDonagh Street." "Me too! This is incredible! Ill drink to that." As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "Thats amazing! I cant believe theyre from the same street in Dublin. Whats going on?" "Oh, its nothing amazing," says the bartender,"its just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

Special High Intensity Training – S.H.I.T.

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees

FROM: Communications Services

SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)