Old and New Jokes

A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage.

The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain.

Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly.

Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he cant reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do.

The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror.

Whats the matter? asks his wife. Did I hurt you?

No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders.

A couple of Redneck hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure hes dead.

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says, OK, now what?

So your daughters a hooker,

and it spoiled your day …

Look at the bright side,

shes a really good lay.

My tire was thumping …

I thought it was flat …

when I looked at the tire …

I noticed your cat … Sorry

You had your bladder removed

and youre on the mends …

heres a bouquet of flowers

and a box of Depends.

Youve announced that youre gay,

wont that be a laugh,

when they find out youre one

of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!

Hope you feel zippy!

Cause when I had mine

I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you …

How upset you must be …

But dont fret about it …

She moved in with me

Your computer is dead …

it was once so alive …

Do you regret installing

Win 95?

You totalled your car …

and cant remember why …

could it have been …

that case of Bud Dry?

Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman.

The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off.

At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles.

Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams but were unable to reattach them.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 a.m., he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, Maam, Im sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? Im awfully cold.I have a better idea, she replied. Just for tonight, lets pretend that were married.Wow! Thats a great idea!! he exclaimedGood, she replied. Get your own damn blanket!After a moment of silence, he farted.

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state – of – the – art computer you cant afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your State – of – the – art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error – Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

GUI (pronounced gooey) – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip – Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive- The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

You ever called your sister Mom and didnt have to correct yourself.

The directions to your bathroom include, Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.

Youre in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. You will die on an American holiday.

Which one? asked bin Laden.

It dont matter, said the psychic. The day you die will be made into an American holiday.

A guy walks into the bar and sits down next to a man. The man says to him you see that hot girl in the bar the guy looks over to his right and sees a hot girl sitting at the bar. He says ya and looks back toward the man. Then the man said you want me to introduce you to her. The guy says yes and the two walk over to her and start to talk. Later as the guy walks out of the bar with the girl the bartender asks why he set the guy up with that girl. the man replied I probably would have kept her for myself but I dont date men.