An Italian kid, on a six-month cruise in the Navy, decides to send pictures to his mom and girlfriend. He takes a picture of himself naked, then rips it in half, intending to send the top half to his mother and the bottom half to his girlfriend. But he mixes them up.
When his mother gets his letter, she looks at the picture and says, Atsa my Luigi … long nose, droopy cheeks, and dont-a never shave.
A Muslim dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, Welcome to heaven my son, please enter!
The Muslim says Oh no, no, I cannot enter without seeing Allah. St. Peter says, Oh… Allah. He is upstairs.
The Muslim says, Well of course, Allah is upstairs! He climbs upstairs and meets Jesus.
Jesus says Welcome to heaven my child, please enter! And the Muslim says Oh no, no, with all due respect, I cannot enter without seeing Allah.
Jesus says But of course…Allah is upstairs, top floor.
The Muslim smiles and thinks to himself, Of course, Allah is on top of heaven itself because He is most high!
At the final gate he meets the all mighty Lord himself who says Welcome to heaven my child, please enter.
As expected, the Muslim says he cannot enter without meeting Allah, to which the Lord replies I understand, my child…Allah is here. But he is busy right now. Why dont you have a seat and wait for him?
The Muslim is so excited that his Allah is so important, after all he always believed this was so. The Lord says to the Muslim Why you must be parched, would you like a drink?
The Muslim says, Yes, I would like a drink. I would like that very much.
And the Lord asks, Would you like a Coke?
The Muslim says Yes, that sounds good, thank you.
The Lord says, It does indeed. I think Ill join you.
And with that the Lord snapped his fingers and said, Allah, bring two cokes!
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldnt figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
Venancio no podÃa satisfacer a su bella esposa. HabÃa tratado multitud de métodos pero nada habÃa funcionado. Finalmente fue a pedirle consejo a su mejor amigo, quien decidió jugarle una broma y le dijo: Este método es 100 por ciento seguro: contrata a un tipo fuerte para que se pare junto a tu cama y les eche aire con una gran toalla mientras ustedes hacen el amor.
Venancio contrató al fortachón, pero todos sus esfuerzos fueron en vano. Asà que regresó con el amigo quien le dijo: ¿Por qué no cambias lugares? Tú sacudes la toalla mientras el hombre fuerte hace el trabajo en la cama.
Venancio dijo que estaba dispuesto a hacer cualquier cosa con tal de satisfacer a su esposa, asà que contrató al mismo tipo y esta vez cambiaron posiciones. Naturalmente, la hermosa señora tuvo un orgasmo monumental.
Entonces Venancio se inclinó sobre el fortachón y le dijo, ¡Vez! ¡Asà es como tenÃas que mover la toalla!
Un hombre entra a un bar y pide una cerveza. El encargado del bar le cobra 15 centavos. Aunque confundido por lo bajo del precio el hombre paga.
Después de un rato, decide pedir otra cerveza y una carne asada. El cantinero le cobra 50 centavos: 15 por la cerveza y 35 por la comida.
Tras terminar su cerveza y su comida, el tipo llama al cantinero:
Oiga, ésta fue la mejor carne asada que he comido en mi vida y seguramente la más barata. Me gustarÃa hablar con el dueño para agradecerle.
No hay problema. El dueño está en el piso de arriba con mi esposa.
¿Y qué hace el dueño allá arriba con su esposa?
¡Probablemente los mismo que yo hago con su negocio aquà abajo!
Who won the race between two balls of string?
They were tied!
Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because theyre always dribbling!
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!
Winning isnt everything, but losing isnt anything.
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, Next.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: Hes had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isnt all
that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
Body, howd you like to go to the nine oclock class in vigorous
toning? Clear as a bell my body said, listen bitch… do it and you
die.