Old and New Jokes

If you go outside with your umbrella, then it will stop raining.

Smith
goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss,"
he says, "were doing some heavy house-cleaning
at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with
the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"Were short-handed, Smith," the boss replies.
"I cant give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew
I could count on you!"

[Told by sven@cs.widener.edu (Sven Heinicke) after I mentioned I
finally found out that George Bush not only carries ID with him, but
he also has an American Express Card.]

The King of Sweden, about one year ago, went into a computer store
wanting to buy his son a computer for Christmas. He was going to pay for
it with a credit card, (I dont know what kind of credit card it was)
and the salesman asked him for some ID. His face being on almost
every 1 Kr. (1 crown) coin in Sweden (his father is on some of the old
ones), he took a coin out of his pocket and put it on the table saying
that that was his ID. It seems that that was not good enough and he
finally took out his real ID (I guess he was being smart). But then
when he was walking out of the store with the computer the
anti-shoplifter alarm went off.

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesnt tell you how to have sex
.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They dont force Beer on minors who cant think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you dont knock on peoples doors trying
to give it away.

5. Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.

4. You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels cant lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If youve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help
you stop.

Your Mamas so fat…when I bring home the groceries, I have to hire a rodio clown to distract her.

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canadas IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper, the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

Let me tell you a story, replied the Priest. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!

Simple, replied the Priest…It doesnt matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!

Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…
Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Sing All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth…
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:

You have been naughty, and heres the scoop

All you get is the snowmans poop!

Q. What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

A. Hey!!, we do taste like chicken!

Q. Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

A. Because, he saw the snowblower coming up the street.

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, Whenever it breaks.

A REALLY Bad Day

So you think youre having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!