IBM: I Bought Macintosh
13
May
13
May
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It cant be done yet. Light bulb is more than 8 characters long.
Note: SAS is a 4GL. It stands for the Statistical Analysis System and is a huge conglomerate of programs and procedures for doing a wide variety of statistical and semi-statistical analyses (not to mention reporting the results, graphing them, etc.). It is infamous for its huge array of thick manuals which are difficult to wade through, and hence one can spend a lot of time trying to find the tiny feature that will do what you want. Cary is the town in North Carolina where SAS Inc is based, and where SAS support staff are.)
13
May
En una fiesta de animales un burro y un monito se embriagaron hasta más no poder; los dos animales se encontraron y tan fuerte era la borrachera que decidieron tener relaciones sexuales, a pesar de ser animales distintos.
Primero comienza el monito, saca su pene y lo embarra con vaselina. El burro, asombrado, le pregunta al monito: ¿Y para qué utilizas esa vaselina?
El mono le responde: Eso es para que pase suavecito.
Sigue el turno del burro y saca su enorme miembro y le embarra un contenido completo de mentol (Vic Vaporub) y el monito, más asombrado que el burro, le pregunta: ¿Y para qué es ese mentol?
El burro le responde: Eso es para que no se te apriete el pecho.
13
May
HabÃa una vez, hace muchos años, un joven que fue descubierto por tratar de robarse una Oveja. Sus captores lo presentaron ante el Rey, quien le dijo que sólo le salvarÃa la vida si le conseguÃa la respuesta a una pregunta. ¡Por supuesto! exclamó el condenado a muerte. El Rey le dijo: Trae la respuesta antes de que el Gallo cante, de qué es lo que busca una mujer.
El desorientado joven salió de inmediato del Palacio y se dirigió con su mejor amigo. Este le dijo que en el Bosque habÃa una Bruja que tenÃa respuesta a todas las preguntas, pero que tuviera cuidado, ya que ella no daba nada sin algo a cambio.
El joven se internó en el Bosque y de pronto, entre las Brumas, salió una horripilante mujer… llena de barros en la cara, los ojos saltones y con un olor fétido en la boca. ¿Qué quieres jovencito? le preguntó la horrible bruja. El joven le explicó que si no le llevaba al Rey la respuesta de lo que busca una mujer, él morirÃa antes del amanecer.
La Bruja le dijo, Mira, sólo si tu mejor amigo se casa conmigo, te diré la respuesta.
El joven regresó a ver a su amigo, quien le dijo, Hermano, con tal de que te salves tú, acepto.
El joven salió nuevamente rumbo al bosque encantado y le dijo a la Bruja que su amigo aceptaba casarse con ella.
La bruja contestó a su pregunta: Lo que una mujer busca, es ser reina y soberana de su propio destino.
Atónito ante la respuesta, el joven fue a ver al Rey Arturo y le dijo la respuesta, y el Rey lo perdonó.
La tarde siguiente se llevó a cabo la boda entre el amigo y la bruja. El Hombre, vestido con traje de Caballero Guerrero de batalla Medieval, y la bruja, vestida de color púrpura y con un velo color rosa mexicano, caminaba cojeando de un pie y a su paso todas las flores de la iglesia se secaban.
Ya en la noche, en el lecho nupcial, la bruja le dijo al recién desposado amante, que se pondrÃa cómoda. Minutos más tarde, del baño salÃa una hermosa mujer… una princesa hermosÃsima con un cuerpo envidiable.
Hola, no temas, soy tu esposa. Como tú aceptaste sacrificarte por tu amigo, yo debo premiarte porque también hay brujas buenas. Te daré a escoger… ¿que prefieres? ¿que yo sea bruja de noche y princesa de dÃa o que sea princesa de noche y bruja de dÃa?
El esposo le dijo que él se habÃa casado por afecto a su amigo y que pensaba que podrÃa llegar a enamorarse de ella como fuera, sin importarle su fealdad, por lo que ELLA ESCOGIERA SU DESTINO. Acto seguido, un rayo partió el suelo y la princesa lo abrazó y le dijo: ¡Haz roto el hechizo, amado mÃo!… me has permitido ser dueña y soberana de MI DESTINO… seré para ti una princesa de noche y princesa de dÃa!
Moraleja: Las mujeres siempre podrán darnos una cara de princesas ya sea de dÃa o de noche… pero ¡cuidado… en el fondo son unas Malditas Brujas!
13
May
Dos niñas recién nacidas están dentro de la incubadora. Una de ellas le pregunta a la otra:
Oye, ¿tú eres virgen?
¡Hija, qué preguntas, cómo no voy ha serlo si hemos nacido hace sólo dos horas!, contesta la otra.
Pues yo no aguantaba más y me he sentado encima del chupete.
13
May
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!
13
May
The candy with flavour and charm.
13
May
According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.
13
May
A
woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, Im a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, its difficult to describe
pain."
"I know, but cant you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…"
"Like this?"
"A little more…"
"Like this?"
"No. A little more…"
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au
13
May
The following statements are said to have been written by actual children and, as far as we know, are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.