Old and New Jokes

Una madre acude al ginecólogo con sus dos hijas de 13 y 20 años respectivamente.

¿Qué la trae, por la clínica?, pregunta el galeno.

Mis hijas y yo, doctor.

Veamos, cuénteme.

Doctor, mi hija menor tiene los senos duros como limones.

¿Cómo? A ver…

Mire, doctor.

Y le muestra los senos de la niña.

Después de inspeccionar por cinco minutos, el médico expone:

Sí, señora, duritos, duritos, como limoncitos.

Mi hija mayor, también los tiene duritos, como pomelos.

El facultativo rápidamente inspecciona y luego de diez minutos le comunica a la madre:

Sí, señora, duritos, duritos, como pomelos.

¡Y yo, mire mis senos como melones, duritos, duritos!, dice la madre mientras echa fuera sus senos.

El especialista inspecciona a la madre durante medía hora (con los ojos en blanco, el pobre).

Doctor, dígame ¿que podrá ser?

¡No sé, señora…!

Y agitado continúa:

Debe ser un mal de frutas, porque ¡mire como tengo el plátano: durito, durito!

T-shirt in the 21st century – Disco still sucks

The only one who ever got anything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

A blonde buys two horses and she cant tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horses tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she cant tell them apart again. She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them. She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

Across the road walks a man. Seeing the man too late he hits him. The force of the collission drives the mans body into the bumper so that the man is stuck to the truck, half of his body hangs under the trucks wheels. The driver desperately tries to get rid of the body by driving foward and backwards, but the body sits. Further down the road sits a traffic officer and after a while he notices this truck. He stands up and makes his way to the truck. Ariving he indicates that the driver must stop and open his window. Opening the window the officer ask: Excuse me sir, is the pedestrian bothering you?

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesnt know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.

He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the waters edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the waters edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: Chapter 11.

(There is not a woman alive today who wont crack up over this!)I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the
week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to
tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didnt have any time to spare.As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasnt going to be able to make the
full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called
in. Knowing the procedure, as Im sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, My, we have made an extra effort this morning, havent we? I didnt respond.After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal… some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, Mommy, wheres my washcloth?I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, No, I
need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, Doc, Im getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks Im a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?
After the doctor stops laughing he says, Medically, no, but heres something you can try. On the wedding night, when youre getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him its your virginity snapping. The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress and as her hubby slips it in, she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks:
What the hell was that?
The wife explains, Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.
The husband cries out, Well snap it again, its got my balls!

www

You know youre gay when:

1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.

2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.

3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.

4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.

5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.

6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.

7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.

8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.

9. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.

10. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home and on your computer.

11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in mens locker room.

12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.

13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.

14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you dont, you know how to fake it.

15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.

16. Your pets always have great names.

17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.

18. Youre the only guy who gets to do the Cosmo quizzes.

19. You know how to get a waiters attention.

20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.

22. You are, hands down, your nephews and nieces favorite uncle.

23. You get to choose your family.

24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.

25. You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.

26. You wouldnt be caught dead in Hooters.

27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.

28. Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.

29. Youve always got an opinion, and dont mind sharing it.

30. Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

31. You know how to air kiss.

32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where youve been for two weeks.

33. You know how to dress strategically.

34. You know when to move out and move on.

35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.

36. Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.

37. You know that being called a cheap slut isnt necessarily an insult.

38. You wouldnt buy someone a mug for their birthday.

39. You know which wine to bring.

40. Sales clerks dont mess with you.

41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.

43. Youve just about defeated the accent you were born with.

44. You know the way to a mans heart is not necessarily through his stomach.

45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity

47. Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

48. You have the latest International Male catalog.

49. You wouldnt dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.

50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.