Old and New Jokes

Bloody Stump by: Rusty Zipper

Sliding Down a Flagpole by: Dick Burns

Brown Spots on the Wall By: Whoflung Dung

An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

Dont worry, She said. Im a nurse. I wont laugh.

Blushing the man drops his trousers. Its OK, she said. Ive seen lots smaller than that.

Really? the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. Yes, she chuckled, I used to work in the maternity unit.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Philippa!
Philippa who?
Philippa will you, I need a bath!

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator.

Do you serve lawyers in here?, the man inquires.

Sure do!, replied the bartender.

Great!, the man said. Ill have a Coors Light, and how bout a lawyer for my gator.

Erase una vez un loco que ya no cupo en el manicomio y lo mandaron a la cárcel. Ya en la carcel, el loco este estaba platicando con otros reos:

¿Y tu que hacias? dijo un preso.

Yo violaba a las mujeres y las degollaba contestó.

¿Y cómo te decían? le dice otro.

El violador matador. contesta.

Y todos se quedan pasmados. Entonces el mismo reo le pregunta a otro:

¿Y tu que hacias?

Yo robaba bancos y dinero en general.

¿Y como te decían?

El robador.

Y todos se quedan pasmados otra vez.

En eso le preguntan al loco:

¿Y tu que hacias?

Ah, pues yo agarraba dos ollas grandes, las ponía en el piso, las llenaba de agua, en una ponía agua fría y en otra agua caliente.Después tomaba un pollo y lo metía en el agua fría, luego en la caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente, agua fría, agua caliente…

¿Y cómo te decían? lo interrumpe un reo

¡A VER SI YA DEJAS ESE PINCHE POLLO, LOCO DESGRACIADO!

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, You dont really believe all that stuff in there do you?



Of course I do. It is the Bible. the lady replies!



Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? he asked.



Oh, Jonah … Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. she replied.



Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? he asked.



Well, I dont really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. said the lady.



What if he isnt in heaven? the man asked sarcastically.



Then YOU can ask him. replied the lady!

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tysons psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didnt say two!

Tysons favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson….instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. Evander was Van Goghd in the third!!!

Cant beat um…Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander the Real Meal Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mikes trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

A man and a woman drove along in silence — the quiet part of a nasty argument. Their country drive took them past a farm with a pigpen full of pigs wallowing in the mud.

Relatives of yours? she asked sarcastically.

Yep — those are my in-laws, he replied.