Old and New Jokes

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boys mind, sat him and said: God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white. To which the child responded, Well, then is God Michael Jackson?

Una anaconda decidió dedicarse a la prostitución: haría comercio con su cuerpo.

Fracasarás, no podrás resistir la tentación de devorar a tus clientes, le dijo otra serpiente.

Te equivocas.

Llegó el primer cliente: un conejito gordo y apetitoso. Hambrienta por varios días de ayuno la víbora, en efecto, no se pudo contener, y empezó a tragarse a su cliente. Recordó de repente, sin embargo, lo que le había dicho su amiga, y lo regurgitó.

Sale a la luz el conejo, todo empapado, lleno de confusión, aturrullado, y exclama:

¡Carajo, sí así estuvo la besadita, cómo irá a estar la fornicada!”

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.



Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.



Actually, no he replies.



Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him? she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.



Im afraid I cant breathes the barman – clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?



Yes there is. I need you to give him a message she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him she says that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

A TEACHER ASKS ITS PUPILS TO SAY A SENTENCE WITH A WORD THAT SHE GIVES THEM .


RIGHT SHE SAYS,JOHNNY YOUR WORD IS FASCINATE.


JOHNNY SAYS MY BROTHER HAS A COAT WITH NINE BUTTONS BUT HE CAN ONLY FASTEN EIGHT.


RIGHT SHE SAYS JIMMY INFATUATION IS YOUR WORD.


JIMMY SAYS A INDIAN WALKS INTO A CHIP SHOP AND SAYS HOW DO YOU FRY YOUR CHIPS,THE ASSISTANT SAYS IN FAT U ASIAN BUGGER.

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

21. Stare continually at the professors crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as your excellency.

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if hes been drinking.

24. Shout WOW! after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

28. Bring a seeing eye rooster to class.

29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay? Become aggitated when the professor cant understand you.

30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

An old country doctor went away out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath….Hit him again, the 5 year old said. He shouldnt have crawled up there in the first place!

You never want the one you can afford.

Hansons Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

The New York state bird should be the mosquito.

yo mama is soooo fat when her beeper went off people thought she was backing up.