Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a supermarket cart?
A: The supermarket cart has a mind of its own.
01
May
01
May
Just because a doctor has a name for your condition doesnt mean he
knows what it is.
01
May
What kind of accident did the proctologist have?
He was rear-ended!
01
May
Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one)
pound. (See line 4.)
Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse
had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case
dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey.
Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose
the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa
Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3
tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution.
For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional
butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in
final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion,
see Form 551.
Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local
government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax
credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.
Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole
wheat flour.
Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use
of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost
of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of
household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you
must add salt.
Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will
result in a penalty. See form W-Q.
Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may
be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized
Substitutions.
Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds
5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you
begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream
butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever
occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see
Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed
mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole
owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m For
the Birds.
Line 11. Add vanilla.
Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you
are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding
instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in
flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7
for exception) and baking powder.
Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type
(See Line 8a).
Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch
round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9×13 inch pan, which you
should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line
9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake
pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9×13 pan) and turn
cake(s) out onto wire rack.
When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed
for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for
details on appropriate frostings.
Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal
weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete
Schedule F, Fresh Fruit Desserts.
Happy Taxes!
01
May
These are headlines for various newspapers in 97 (we will protect the guilty by not mentioning from whence they came):
Include your children when baking cookies.
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers.
Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
Iraqi head seeks arms.
Prostitutes appeal to Pope.
Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.
British left waffles on Falklands Islands.
Teacher strikes idle kids.
Clinton wins on budget, but more lies ahead.
Plane too close to the ground, crash probe told.
Miners refuse to work after death.
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
Stolen painting found by tree.
Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.
War dims hope for peace.
If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while.
Cold wave linked to temperatures.
Enfields couple slain; police suspect homicide.
Red tape holds up new bridges.
Typhoon rips through cemetery, hundreds dead.
Man struck by lightning faces battery charges.
New study of obesity looks for larger test group.
Kids make nutritious snacks.
Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy.
Local high school dropouts cut in half.
New vaccine may contain rabies.
01
May
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
My wife, the man replied.
Im sorry, said Bill. What happened to her?
My dog bit her and she died.
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man,
Can I borrow your dog?
To which the man replied, Get in line.
01
May
A gay flight attendant anounces to the plane, The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great. Everyone did as instructed except a woman, he comes to her and tells her, Maam, perhaps you couldnt hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane. She still wouldnt comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said, In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one. The flight attendant replies, Oh yeah? Well in MY country, Im called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!
01
May
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
Lets see yer fishin license, Boy! the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
Well, son, said the Game Warden. You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You dont have to run from me if you have a valid license!
Yes, sir, replied the young guy. But my friend back there, well, he dont have one.
01
May
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?
She says, Why, officer?
Because your breast is hanging out.
She looks down and says, OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!
01
May
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
has, You wish you had ordered that.