Old and New Jokes

A: To take over the other side.

Why dont mormons make love standing up?

They worry that it could lead to dancing.

Nothing is ever so bad that it cant get worse.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISNT YOURS?

NACHO CHEESE!

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were.

The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.

Hell, says the man, You cant trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!

This was attributed to Julie Logan and Arthur Howard, who they are I
do not know.

Are you male or female?

Take this test and find out for sure

1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
a. one
b. almost a dozen

2. When parking your car in a public garage you:
a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
b. hand your keys over politely

3. You havent shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be
construed as:
a. sexy
b. gross

4. At the doctors, a common request would be:
a. Cough.
b. Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?

5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
a. one cup
b. two cups

6. When youre feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
a. nothing
b. Do I look fat?

7. Youve slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe
you would be:
a. sports legend
b. tramp

8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
a. 35
b. 14

9. When you hear the words hand wash, the first thing that comes to
your mind is:
a. your car
b. panty hose

10. Its the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score
tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .311
average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate
turns to you and says, Do you want a back rub? You are:
a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
b. daydreaming

11. Your idea of basic pump is:
a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva

12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
a. give
b. get

SCORING

a = 1 point b = 2 points

0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater
lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select
few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.

13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live
longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in
polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to
being president someday.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasnt true. Im as sober as you are, your honor, the man claimed.

The judge replied, Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?

A: You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a tick?

A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?

A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

Q: Whats the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?

A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The reason law schools have been described as a place for the accumulation of learning is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out–and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since

1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin. Sit down, said the judge. That is the prosecuting attorney.

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: Have you ever been arrested? No, he answered. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question yes, was why?. Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it Never got caught.

Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.

The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.

The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.

The third guy swam 99 miles, and said,Im tired. I think Ill swim back.

BUDAPEST (Reuters) – The annual pre-Christmas swine slaughter in a southwestern Hungarian village came to a shocking end after one man died of electrocution while trying to stun a pig, whose owner then died of heart attack.

Celebrations at the pig-killing party in Darvaspuszta took a turn for the worse on Saturday when an unnamed visiting Croatian man shocked himself to death while trying to knock out a pig with a homemade electric pig stunner, national news agency MTI said

A local man ended up in hospital with an irregular heart rhythm after attempting a rescue by trying to unplug the device.

The shocking accident so upset the pigs owner, he suffered a heart attack and died.

There was no word on the fate of the pig.

Why do dinosaurs have to wear hats?
So their wives know which end to kiss!