Old and New Jokes

There once was a boy named doda .he had no arms no legs .his friends where scared of dodas mother, so they had to see who picked the smallest straw to ask dodas mother if he can go fishing. so when the one boy went to ask, the mother said ok. when they got there doda fell over board so they went home . then they saw the mother and she asked where is doda ,they said doda fell over borad doda doda, doda fell over board doda doda day.

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, child?

Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.

A blonde is driving home one evening and decides to try something new, so she pulls into the video store to rent a porno. She chooses the title she likes best and drives home, then puts on something comfortable and inserts the video into her VCR. To her disappointment, theres nothing but static on the tape, so she calls the store and explains what happened. The clerk asks her the name of the tape, and she says, Head Cleaner.

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.
He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone." Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the
taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see
the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.

Surprised as he was, he didnt say anything, feeling himself
a guest and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued
without event until the next intersection. This time the
light was green and, to the Americans dismay, the cab driver
brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain
his astonishment, he turns to the driver:

Listen, he says, when you went through the red light, I
didnt say anything. But, why, in heavens name, are you
stopping at a green light?!

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was
deranged:

Are you crazy?! he shouts. The other guy has a red
light–do you want to get us killed?!

Is there any truth to the rumour that Michael Jackson is to re-release an earlier hit. Its now titled …

It doesnt matter if youre Black THEN White

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "Lifesaver! Lifesaver!" The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "Cherry or grape?"

A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast. The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.

As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; a strange old man sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man. Can you help us? Were heading west but were lost and all our food is gone. Were starving.

The old man replied, You know, I can see the future … Wait … Im getting a vision now. He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. Its coming. Oh yes, I see, I see.

I know what you must do. Go up this hill and down the other side. Go through the forest and across the stream. Then go up the next hill and down to the valley below. There you will find a bacon tree.

A bacon tree? asked the wagon tree leader.

A bacon tree. Trust me. I can see the future.

The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group followed the strange old mans directions exactly. They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a thing and especially not a bacon tree.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one man was killed and even he was seriously wounded. He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley. There, under the tree was that same strange old man, still there where they had left him.

The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting … What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of them! And the rest of my group! Theyre all DEAD!

The man held up his hand and said Wait for it … Im getting a vision … Uhuh. Ooooh. Oh, I get it … Oh my, I made a mistake … Twas not a bacon tree … Twas a hambush!

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say…he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body. He did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.

[This was posted on a bulletin board in a dorm at UNL. I dont know who
wrote it, sorry.]

The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.

Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club
into the hole while keeping the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before
allowing play to commence.

Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length,
so as to avoid damage to the course.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.

Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the
course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is
advised to find alternate means of play.

It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times
in one match.

Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.