Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep
I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice
For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back
For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night
I pray Ill always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the f*** is yours? Do we point at our crotch when we ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say, Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Piss off. What good is a goddamn cake if you cant eat it?
When people say, Its always in the last place youd look. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after youve found it? Do some people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie, Did you see that? No, shit-for-brains, I paid $15 to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
People who ask, Can I ask you a question? dont really give you a choice, do they?
When something is new and improved – which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going, say: You should know, arse hole, you pulled me over.
A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!
Ground control receive her call for help and answers back:
Dont worry, madam. Ill talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position
Im 52 and sitting in the front
En el kinder iba a haber una fiesta y la madre Teresa, la directora, envÃo un recado a las mamás para que fueran disfrazadas y divirtieran a sus hijos.
Llegado el dÃa de la fiesta, se abre el telón del teatro escolar y empiezan a desfilar las señoras con disfraces propios de la ocasión: una mamá iba de conejita, otra de ratoncita, otra de florecita, y asÃ. De pronto, ante la consternación de las maestras y las demás señoras, aparece en escena una mamá que llevaba falda hasta el muslo, blusa con escote muy pronunciado, medias negras de malla con raya atrás, bolsa de lentejuela, zapatos de tacón dorado con cordones hasta las piernas, boa de plumas y fumando en larga boquilla.
Al acabar la representación la directora corre, desolada, y le reclama a la señora:
¿Qué disfraz es ese, señora? ¿Por qué vino usted as�
Madre, vine disfrazada de lo que usted me dijo en el recado que me mandó. Vine disfrazada de puta fina.
¡De Pitufina, señora!, exclama la monja, ¡De Pitufina!
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible churchs focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?
Yes, the golfer responded.
Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?
Yes, I did. How did you know? he asked.
Well, said the policeman very seriously, Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…
I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.
A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
There is an old Indian Tribe in the Amazon and their chief is getting old and a new, young challenger wants to be chief.
So the wise man of the tribe decides that whoever produces the loudest fart in a week will be chief.
The first few days pass and neither the chief or his young rival have farted.
The wiseman emerges and says, Big Chief no Fart. The next day a truck load of baked beans arrives for the Chief, but at the end of the day the wiseman says, Big Chief no Fart.
The next day, three truckloads arrives for the Chief, but again the wiseman comes out and says,Big Chief no Fart.
The Chief is becoming frustrated and orders an army of trucks loaded with baked beans.
At the end of the day the wiseman comes out and says… Big Fart, no Chief!