Old and New Jokes

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other?

A: Wed better get some support or people are gonna think were nuts!!

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

A kid, just getting home from school runs up to his dad…

Daddy, daddy! Im the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you recun so?

Why thats because your from Kentucky son. The dad responses.

The next day the kid gets home from school…

Daddy, daddy! Im the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you recun so?

Thats because youre from Kentucky son. The dad tells him again.

The next day the kid busts through the door…

Daddy. daddy! Im the only one in school who has a large penis, is that because Im from Kentucky?

The dad looks at him and says, No thats because youre 22.

THE COWBOY CODE

1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.

2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MAAM, when leaving a ladys presence.

3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MAAM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.

4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.

5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.

6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.

7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a ladys house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.

8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.

9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.

10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.

11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she wont be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.

12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.

13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady…not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.

14. A cowboy will grasp a ladys elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one – but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.

Llega un matón a una cantina:

¿Quién es Juan Pérez? ¿Qué quién es Juan Pérez?

Un borrachín delgaducho se levanta y contesta:

Yo soy Juan Pérez.

Entonces, el matasiete le pone una golpiza que lo deja moribundo y se va. De improviso, el beodo se empieza a reír y el cantinero, sorprendido, le cuestiona:

¿De que te ríes, si te acaban de apalear?

Lo engañe, yo no soy Juan Pérez, le responde con voz tartajosa.

Un chico y su novia están en un momento muy acalorado. El muchacho le ruega que acceda a hacer el amor y ella se niega rotundamente. Él sigue insistiendo y promete meterle tan sólo la mitad del miembro.

Ante tanta insistencia, y confiando en la promesa, ella acepta. Cuando están en lo mejor, él no resiste y lo introduce completo, olvidando su promesa. La chica también se calienta y le pide:

¡Méteme la otra mitad, mi amor!

El tipo, asombrado, se defiende:

Promesas son promesas, y yo soy un hombre de palabra.

Iban por el camino dos compadres que venían de tomarse unos tragos.

Iban pasando por una BarraShow (prostíbulo) y le dice un compadre al otro:

Oiga compa, tengo ganas de coger.

En respuesta el otro le dice:

Yo también, compadre. Pero no traigo dinero.

A esto el otro le responde:

¿Y qué nos vamos a cobrar pues, compadre?