Old and New Jokes

There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one? The farmer agreed. She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her, and asked, If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back?

I think therefore I am (not a Democrat…)

Yo mama so dumb she took a fishing rod down the frozen food aisle.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what shed like to have for her Birthday. Id like
to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonalds where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear,
what was it like being six again??Her eyes slowly opened and her
expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

10. Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?
9. Boy this is fun! You now, it really ought to be easier for people to get guns.
8. Hi there, little feller! Quack for Uncle Bubba.
7. It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of big-mouthed state troopers.
6. You look great in that negligee. By the way, Hillary thinks Im duck hunting.
5. Mr. President, Dominos says they cant deliver to a duck blind.
4. Trust me, Roger, itll be funny. Just put on the duck hat and run around in the weeds.
3. When youre shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot.
2. Lets shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches.
1. Get me some coffee, Dukakis!

(CIM) The Netherlands: Doctor Huizenaas of the Rotterdam Animal Research Institute has successfully trained a cat not to eat food. His research followed an unsuccessful attempt by Professor Egon Spuunrais to achieve this same goal.

Prof Spuunrais failed experiment was based on the use of positive reinforcement. The cat was shown food, and if it refused to eat it, the animal was rewarded by a tasty tidbit. His conclusions were widely ridiculed, predominantly for the absence of a control.

Dr Huizenaas formulated a more rigorous test based on negative reinforcement, and including a control animal which did not receive the punishment.

In the Huizenaas experiment, whenever the test animal accepted food it was struck on the head by a small steel mallet. At first, the cats behaviour was unaffected by this, but after some adjustments to the force of the blow, it was observed that the cat became progressively less interested in the food and indeed was often seen to shake its head vigorously on being struck.

By this stage the association between eating the food and being hit on the head had obviously been made: the cat was refusing the food, but only briefly. After lurching in circles for a few mintues, the cat would return to the bowl.

However, after several more trials, the cat was conditioned to the point where it has subsequently shown no interest whatsoever in food, or anything else for that matter.

The experiment was concluded four weeks ago, and in the time since, the cat has not eaten once. Or moved. The appetite of the control cat, on the other hand, has increased to the point where it is eating the food put out for both animals.

could you rephrase the question?

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you dont get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you dont get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now theres the new Toddler Miracle Diet.Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!DAY ONE:Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.DAY TWO:Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.Then bring inside and drop on rug.Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.DAY THREE:Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.FINAL DAY:Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dogs mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dogs a genius!"The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. Its the second time this week hes forgotten his key!"

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat. The lawyer said You are correct. How much was the meat? The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 for legal consultation.