I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.

One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didnt know if he was Carmen or Goerring…

Even more clues you could be a Redneck…

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Youve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

Your dog goes oink!

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

You know how to milk a goat.

Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

Youve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You have a refrigerator just for beer.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

Youve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

You dont think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

The most common phrase heard in your house is, Somebody go jiggle the handle.

You cant take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

Theyre married.

Va un policía persiguiendo a un ladrón y lo pierde de vista. En eso ve a un borracho y le pregunta:

¿No vio a alguien doblar la esquina?

No, cuando llegué ya estaba doblada, responde con voz tartajosa el temulento.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Witches!
Witches who?
Witches the way to go home!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Grady!
Grady who?
Grady of Expectations!

Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you shouldve seen the line outside the producers hotel room.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasnt aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

Thats fantastic, the man said. Hasnt he scored three bulls?

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

Yes Sir! , he announced to the crowd. This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware

I dont want any bloody glasses, the drunk replied. Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.

La maestra les pide a los alumnos un proyecto de investigación en el que comprueben una hipótesis y sea expuesto en clase. Al día siguiente, Pepito llega con un cangrejo; lo coloca sobre una mesa; le arranca 2 patitas y le ordena:

Cangrejito camina, cangrejito camina.

El pobre animal hace un esfuerzo y logra caminar. Extrañada, la maestra le cuestiona que qué quiere probar con eso.

Espere un momento y lo verá.

Entonces, Pepito le arranca otras dos patas al crustáceo y le vuelve a ordenar:

Cangrejito camina, cangrejito camina.

Con tan sólo dos patas, el bicho logra camina con bastante dificultad.

¿Qué quieres probar con esto?, interrumpe la maestra, reiterando la pregunta.

Espere un momento.

Y, por si fuera poco, le arranca las últimas dos patas sin contemplaciones y nuevamente le ordena:

Cangrejito camina, cangrejito camina.

Molesta y sin comprender, la maestra insiste:

Ahora sí, Pepito, ¿cuál es la conclusión del proyecto?

¡Qué cuando el cangrejo pierde todas las patas se queda sordo!

Vasectomía: Los mitos y leyendas

1. La vasectomía hace lucir más grandes tus testículos, ¿cierto o falso?

R. Depende de quien lo vea, desde afuera se ven igual, pero al día siguiente, sientes que te llegan a la rodilla.

2. Una vez terminada la operación, sales caminando, ¿cierto o falso?

R. Cierto, sales caminando, pero seguro llegas a casa gateando cuando se pasa la anestesia.

3. La vasectomía es una operación sin dolor, ¿cierto o falso?

R. Cierto, la operación no duele, pero la anestesia que te inyectan directo en el kiwi es una mentada de madre.

4. La vasectomía te hace ver más joven, ¿cierto o falso?

R. Cierto, después de que te rasuraron bien los kiwis, te ves como lucías en primero de secundaria.

5. La vasectomía se realiza con una pequeña incisión en los testículos, ¿cierto o falso?

R. Falso, se hace en un punto que los estudiosos conocen como ‘nies’, porque ni es un huevo, ni es el otro, ni es la pistola, ni es nada.

6. Después de la vasectomía, el miembro podría decirse que adquiere básicamente un aspecto similar a Barney, ¿cierto o falso?

R. Cierto, la cabecita se queda morada.

7. El costo de la cirugía es muy bajo, ¿cierto o falso?

R. Falso, a pesar de que es una cirugía gratuita, en realidad te cuesta un poco más de un huevo, de hecho dos.